The More Things Change

It's been over 11 years since I wrote my first blog post minus some missing years when I was drowning in grief. I remember very well why I started writing Butts and Ashes. My father was dying and my sister was fighting for her life. I was a wife and mother and felt overwhelmed with life in general. I didn't want to forget my dad or my sister and with so much coming at me, I thought writing things down in a blog would help me remember what I was afraid I'd forget and relieve some stress. I wasn't wrong. 

Tonight, I had the idea to revisit January 20th, or close to it, through the years of this silly blog. I want to see where I was then so I could judge where I am now. Not that I don't already judge myself enough on a daily basis. Anyway, I'm going through at this very moment so we'll see together how well I've moved forward or failed. That should be fun.

January 20, 2010

 I Laugh In The Face Of Fear ... Then I Usually Run Screaming

Ah yes, this was during a time in my life that I had become very involved with the homeless. Again. I have been drawn to the homeless population since I was a child. I blame my dad. He taught me through actions what it means to have something and share it with someone that has little to nothing. My dad didn't have to say much because he lived much. That's the best way to teach children. Thanks for that, Dad. It was also during this time that our daughter Belen was moving out into The Refuge, a Christian community across the street from the OKC City Mission. I was proud and terrified as her mother. She blamed me, something about the way I lived making her want to help people. Whatever, I remember wanting to escape my mother too. And so, she did.

Belen Marie Hansen and her mama

January 19, 2011

Disclaimers and Full Disclosure

Oh. My. Word. I have no idea what I was drinking when I wrote this but let's just say, I don't even know what to say. This is a post about nothing with ridiculous photos, the best one being of my sister Kelly in the hospital with really bad hair. She couldn't believe I actually posted this on the Internet. I couldn't believe she thought I wouldn't. I miss those days. Ha!

Kelly Jeanne Casas aka Courtney Love

January 7, 2012

Disgusting, Tasteless and Desperately Sad

Wow. Just...wow. I wanted to delete the blog, Bob was "reorganizationed" right out of his job after 30+ years, Kelly was on the downhill slide and we suffered the deaths of three loved ones. And yet, I found smartass humor in it. How did I find humor in anything when I wrote this? I need to remember that trick. It saved me more than once.

January 2013

There were no posts. My sister was dying. We all knew it and we all tried to pretend it wasn't happening. For the first time ever, Kelly shut me out. The entire month of January, I called every day like always but she wouldn't take my calls. I could feel my world closing in and was having trouble breathing. Literally, breathing. Chest pains followed and insomnia. I understand what people mean when they say someone went mad. I was right there. Then, on February 2nd, the phone rang. She was being taken by ambulance to the hospital and was asking for me. I flew there the next morning. Kelly died on February 5, 2013. My first post of 2013 was her eulogy. 

February 12,2013  

There Once Was A Girl

Then, five years passed, with not a single written word from me. I had nothing to say. My world had gone very dark and the voice in my head that told me what to write went silent. I wrote 5 shitty posts in January 2018 that didn't sound like me to me at all. I missed Kelly and writing and people and laughing. But, along with Kelly's death, those 5 years brought too many additional sorrows in the form of marriages and relationships ending and I just shut down and shut off. Not every day was bad. Some great things happened during those years. Some positive life-changing trips and events. I just had trouble hanging on to them. Depression is a frightening thing to live with because it's not always recognizable and can be easy to hide. Until your alone. Or trying to sleep night after night but can't. I scared myself more often than I'd like to admit. And I drank more than I ever had. Pain can be dangerous and make you stupid. I was stupid. 

That's when I truly believe God stepped in. My best friend of 55+ years dragged me off to Europe in August of 2018. I don't know exactly how it happened but I woke up during that month abroad. I smiled until my face hurt and cried until I felt free. Europe changed me. 

Three more years passed and here I am. I'm writing Butts and Ashes again. It's my therapy. Call me Sybil but I'm starting to hear the voice in my head once more. This could get entertaining.

If you have a best friend that dresses like a milk-maid even though you dress like a Chola and she wants to drag you to Europe one day even though you're super depressed and not much fun....GO!