Wednesday, June 30, 2010

An Affair To Remember

Dear AOL,

I remember when we first met. It was magic. I could not believe that someone like you could care so much about someone like me. You took me by the hand and led me to places I had always heard about but feared to go. I was in love and knew I would always be faithful to only you.

Years later, when you actually offered me a job, I was in heaven. That you, a world leader, would want someone like me in your ranks was a dream come true. Like Cinderella, you were my prince, taking me away from dirty dishes and evil step-sisters. I was happy.

Our five years together were what dreams are made of. You sent me to Florida and New York. We stayed in the finest hotels, ate in amazing restaurants, and met people who treated me like the queen you had convinced me I was. Project Manager might have been my title but I knew the truth. You loved me for me and would never do me wrong.

When you asked me to entertain people from all over the world, I was thrilled. To be the PM of the second largest office and have this honor was almost more than I could imagine. So, I did my absolute best because you were counting on me. I entertained and trained those you sent me from India, Israel and the Philippines. I sent them all back to their home offices with cases full of AOL trinkets and ideas on promoting their sites. I was awesome!

Then, the truth came out. You were cheating on me. Others had warned me for months but I refused to believe it. When I could no longer deny the awful facts, I watched you pack your bags and move overseas. My heart broke.

Like a fool, I stayed online with you, hoping, waiting, believing that someday, you would come home to me. And now this. This is the final straw. To have my account hacked and whacked was bad enough. But to have to speak to “Richey” in India for 45 minutes and beg, plead, scream for my free account to be canceled before anymore of my friends are bombarded with the crap you allowed into our relationship…well, enough is enough.

We are through. It’s final. I have only one last thing to say to you...



Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Dear Sirs; I Hate You!

That is correct. There are people out there in the land of the Internet that I have come to hate. Hate really isn’t a strong enough word. There may not be a word invented to describe my feelings towards them. I will have to work on that.

Anyway, my email has been compromised. I have changed my password four times in four days. Last night, I stayed up past midnight updating my anti-virus, spending money on trying to find these scoundrels. I seriously hate them. I suppose it’s easier to hate them since I can’t see who I’m hating.

Nothing is working. No bug or virus can be found and yet crap email continues to be sent to just about everyone in my address book from me. Only it’s NOT from me. I am getting beyond annoyed, irritated, exasperated, frustrated…to infinity and beyond! I may have no option but to close my email account and open a new one.

I have had this email for years. I love my email. Can you love email? Well, I love mine. Hey, don’t judge me. It’s one of the few things that are mine that the kids can’t break. And yet, some jerk has found a way to break it.

So what do I do? I have no idea yet. Here’s what I do know, however. I do not have millions waiting for me in Nigeria. I cannot earn $500 a day working from home. I won’t save 90% on internet drugs from Mexico. There is not a long lost love trying to find me and my penis does not need enhancing.

I seriously hate you, whoever you are!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Sometimes, You Just Know Everything Before You Know

The minute I laid eyes on you, I knew I loved you. I knew I wanted to marry you. I knew I wanted to have children with you. I have no idea how I knew all that but I knew. And when you looked at me the way you looked at me, I knew you knew too. You just didn't know it yet.

It wasn't long before I told you I loved you. You didn't say it right away but I knew you knew you did. And when you finally knew that you knew, you let me know too.

From that day on, we were inseparable. The next four years flew by. There were proms and parties and plans being made in secret. In hearts and souls.

And then you asked. You asked on bended knee, out in the forest. It was suppose to be a picnic but you knew it was much more that day. And for once I didn’t know, until you asked. Then I knew too.

All at once, I was happy and scared because I knew I would screw it all up. I knew you were too good for me. I knew I would never deserve you. But I said yes anyway, because I knew you loved me and I loved you.

So we married and all my dreams and all my fears came true. I did screw it all up and ruined everything. You were too good for me and I didn't deserve you. But you loved me. And loved me. And loved me. I knew I had never been loved like that before and never would be again. And that changed me, forever. Before we knew what hit us, ten years passed with births and deaths and life happened and we were happy. I knew it could never get any better because you were the best.

You knew the truth, though. You knew it would only get better because that's what happens when two people really love each other. It gets better...

and better...

and better...

Then before you know it, thirty-four years have passed. You think back to dancing at your wedding and you smile....

because you realize, you are still dancing all these years later. Only now you know all the same steps and everyone's toes are much safer.

I love you, Bob Hansen. There is not another man on the face of this earth I would rather spend a minute with much less a lifetime. Happy 34th anniversary. You're my everything.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Silver Strands

I have been thinking about silver strands a lot lately, for several reasons. One of the reasons is this blogger, Denalee at silver strands. When I first found Denalee, it was this post that caught my attention. It was about her mother having breast cancer and Denalee cutting off all her own hair to make a wig for her mom. As if that didn’t kill me enough, it was a beautiful surprise for her mom. I cried for days thinking about this woman that would do this for her mother. I wanted to fly to her state, hug her and force her to adopt me as a sister. Seriously, if you want to be inspired and uplifted on a daily basis, silver strands is the place to go.

A few weeks back, Denalee had a book giveaway and I won. Winning the book was awesome because, as I have said before, I am an avid reader and always looking for my next fix. Winning a book is better than winning the lottery to me. For one thing, it doesn’t cost me anything to enter. Ok, call me cheap. Anyway, the box from Denalee arrived and I was so happy to open it so I could read my new book. Guess what? She didn’t just send the book, autographed no less, she also sent other treats. How sweet is that!!! So here’s what I received:

Let me just say, I read the book in one day and loved it. It is sadly a true story but the lives of these people will truly inspire anyone facing lifes challenges. I could relate to so much of it having gone through illness and loss with loved ones. The other goodies were absolutely icing on this cake. The sand dollar made me cry. I have no idea why. Yes, I do. Nevermind.

Anyway, like I said, I have been thinking about silver strands. Sometimes, for some unknown reason, I can get kind of introspective and start thinking this way. When I do, this is usually what happens: I start picking apart words and how they affect my life. So that’s what I did for a few days with silver strands.

I thought about silver and how it is a common but precious metal. It also has the highest electrical conductivity of any metal. Then I thought about the word strand. How it meant several things including, tresses of hair or fibers being braided together. It also means to run aground and be left in a helpless situation or land bordering the ocean.

As I thought about these two words, I realized they fit what Denalee has been for so many. She might seem like just another common blogger but believe me, she is precious. We all are, we just don’t realize how precious sometimes. It seems easier to accept that we are common but there is something so deeply precious in each of us. Something that makes us conduits for precious things if we will just be who we were created to be. That’s it. Just be who we are intended to be and what we are intended to do will happen. I believe that, with all my heart. Then when the times of being stranded and feeling helpless come, and they will come for each of us, we will find that strip of land in another. A safe place to run aground and be loved and healed and whole.

In the end, it really is about being braided together. Each one of us no less, no more, important than the other. Life is good even when it isn’t and I am thankful. Thankful for my life, my family, my friends. Thankful for Denalee. Thankful for each one of you. Silver strands.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Sundays In My City

I am a native Californian. However, I have lived in Oklahoma for the last sixteen years. I love being an Okie as much as I love being a Californian. The thing is, there are some BIG differences between my two states. I'm talking BIG!

When we lived in California, Sundays in our city looked like this.

Morro Rock in Morro Bay, California

Some Sundays, we would head south to visit this place.

Disneyland, Anaheim, California

When we wanted a slower pace, we headed an hour north to this place. It's where we spent our honeymoon and later would camp with our kids and make some of the best memories ever. It is truly spectacular!

Big Sur Coastline on Highway 1, California

Now that we are Okies, our Sundays look more like this.

Well, they look like the above when we aren't spending our Sundays working on the farm or dealing with this.

Freckles, the EVIL rooster

Then there are those really special Sundays. I mean with a capital S. On those Sundays, we go here.

That's right. Bass Pro Shop. The number one choice for an Okie Sunday outing. As a matter of fact, I took my twelve year old and two of my grandgirls there  just recently. We went to do this.

It was a blast!

We learned about bird watching and pet safety and camping.

Then we got to make leather keychains for Father's Day.

We even watched the scuba lady clean the fish tank.

Wasn't that nice of her husband to sit and watch her clean ... and clean .... and clean ... I'm just saying!

There were lots of other great things to do and we did them but the best part, according to some people, was making S'Mores at the end of the day.

I thought the best part was that it was all FREE!!

Maybe next Sunday we can hang out at the feed store!

Unknown Mami

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

My sister Kelly called the other night. You remember Kelly, right? The one in the hospital recently with the brain tumor and the spine tumor, here a tumor, there a tumor. Yeah, her. Anyway, seems she had not been up to doing much of anything since her spinal surgery a few weeks back. That included reading my blog. Yeah, this blog. The one she said was a pile of crap and she would never read it again. That one. Well, she lied. The bad thing is, she read it. The great thing is, she can still read.

She called to tell me she was definitely calling an attorney. She said she has had enough of my foolishness at her expense. She reminded me about telling all of you about her impending boob job. Remember that? It was a joke. A little joke because she DID ask McDreamy to do one and he agreed. How was I to know they were joking? Besides, all communication is blog fodder. It’s in the constitution… somewhere. Anyway, I tried to convince her I never said that. I told her what I had actually said was, I thought SHE was a boob. She didn’t buy it. I think they might have lowered her meds from insane to sane. Dang it!

Then she brought up the Courtney Love photo.

How could I post such a terrible picture of her when she was in the throws of suffering, she whined. I told her it was easy now that I knew how to use the different little editing and posting buttons. She asked if I thought I was funny. I told her, I definately crack myself up on a pretty regular basis.

And the old man photo. She was mad that people would believe this stuff I write and think she was some kind of a golddigger or worse.

I assured her nobody was going to think any worse of her than they already did....old man or not.

And the hula hoop photo.

She wanted to know what I was trying to do, make people think she was crazy? I assured her being loopy usually makes people like you. Look at me!

She has seriously threatened legal action if I ever show them again.
Especially this one.

I’m good with it though. The most she could possibly walk away with is three horses, a donkey, and some chickens. Hey, you can’t get blood from a turnip.

Anyway, I just want to say, I am completely ashamed of myself.

Taking advantage of my little sister when she looks like this is not nice.

I am a bad sister. Please forgive me. I will never post these photos again.

So, here is the rub in all of this. I have agreed, as payment for all my cruelty in posting about my poor, little, decrepit sister, to go to California and take care of her for two weeks. It is going to be a brutal job. I can only hope there will be margaritas and karaoke involved. I promise you this, no matter what... There will be pictures!
Stay tuned.....he he he he he

Monday, June 14, 2010

That Smell

I love to cook. I mean I REALLY love to cook. I consider myself a fairly decent cook. As a matter of fact, people tell me on a pretty consistent basis that I am a total kick butt cook. I am pretty sure that means my food is worth eating. That is why I was so shocked at a recent conversation I had with my husband, Bob.

"Honey, what's that smell?"

"What smell?"

"I don't know. It smells cat poop. Did the cat poop in the kitchen?"

"Um....that would be dinner."

Anyway, tonight's menu includes pork chile verde, rice and beans, all made from scratch. Wait, let me clarify that statement. That is tonight's menu for everyone sitting at my dinner table tonight except Bob. He will be eating crow.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

The Envelope Please....

I haven’t posted in over a week. Some of you noticed, some of you didn’t and some, like my sisters, held a celebration thinking they had been liberated. Like that will ever happen! Anyway, the truth is, I have been writing every day, just not on my blog. I have a work in progress. I don’t talk about it much because I am a coward and cannot face the fear of failure or rejection. I must be loved at all costs. We are talking the need for serious therapy here, folks. Anyway, aside from a few days of an aching back from all my foolishness at the wedding, I have been writing. And no, you may not read it.

One of the other things I have been putting off for months now is posting the awards people have bestowed upon me. Along with my insatiable need to be loved, adored and admired is my total and complete embarrassment when someone says something nice to me. Like I have always said…I. Need. Therapy.

Anyway, I am finally posting some of the awards. Here. Now. If for no other reason, read on to see what amazing people I have been able to fool. No, seriously. The people that have graciously given these awards to me are some of the most inspiring, incredible human beings I have ever met… on the internet. I understand, in reality, they are probably all sixty-three year old felons, sitting at their stolen computers in their dingy little apartments, pretending to be who I think they are. But please….don’t burst my bubble.

So, without further ado….the envelope please!

Katherine Jenkins is married to a monk. No, seriously! The woman is amazing and deep and always has something to say that makes me think. I love her and her blog, Lessons From The Monk I Married. Katherine gave me this award back during the ice age and I am finally accepting it, with humble heart. Thanks, Katherine!

So, now I am meant to write 10 things that make me happy. I am going to be completely honest with my answers, so ….deal with it.

1. The smell of a horse…and the smell of horse poop. Bottle the stuff and I will wear it.

2. Writing …other than checks for bills.

3. Making people laugh, especially my sisters because they are usually such sour, old women. Any small hint of joy I can bring into their lives makes my life worth living.

4. My children…when their children drive them crazy. Being a grandma is God’s sweet revenge. Thank you, God!

5. Bob, my husband, my best friend, my luvah! Am I talking about four different people? Don’t be silly. One man’s enough to train. Just kidding, baby! wink wink

6. People. I love people. I love feeding them and talking to them and having lots of them in my house. Especially if they are over thirty. And don’t want to borrow money.

7. Reading. I. Love. To. Read. I read every day. I cannot read enough. You’d think with all the reading I do I would be smarter by now. Such is life.

8. Gathering eggs from the henhouse…with a rake in one hand….to bat the rooster across the pen with when he attacks. I swear I can hear him say, “My name is Freckles the Rooster. You stole my babies. Prepare to die.” With a Spanish accent, of course. (Name that movie, Marie!)

9. Random dancing. I break out into random dancing at the most, well, random times. My Aunt Zora use to do it and we all said she was crazy. I get it now. Thanks, Aunt Zora!

10. Kissing. I love kissing. I kiss my kids. I kiss my grandkids. I kiss every single critter on the farm. Except Freckles. He’ll peck my eyes out. I also kiss Bob, but usually just to gross my kids out. Works every time.

I now bestow this prestigious award onto 10 bloggers that make me happy.

I can hear them cursing me now. You're welcome...even if you are a bunch of criminals.

An Oklahoma Granny is all about being an Oklahoman, to me anyway. She loves her farm, her family and Nascar. Seriously, Granny? Nascar? Anyway, she is sweet and kind and normal. I have no idea why she likes me. But she must because she gave me this award.

So, the blogger that makes me pucker like a big old glass of sour lemonade is Blasé at My Game It's Your Move.  Blasé is the train wreck I just can’t seem to look away from. He makes me laugh… disgusted… and pray. Often, all in the same post. I do love ya, Blasé and I am praying for you. You seriously need Jesus… and therapy!

The next award is not an award but rather a Tag which I believe is more of a slap upside the head. Anyway, it comes from UberGrumpy. He says he is from across the pond, however, I look out across our pond every day and have yet to see him. Regardless, I need to answer his ten questions and then pass this on. Being a former, obedient, Catholic schoolgirl, I will comply…this time.

1. What is your current obsession? Asparagus

2. What do you think about the person who tagged you? Reading his blog makes me crave warm beer and Curly-Wurlies.

3. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be? Switzerland. Would I have to tell the kids I moved?

4. What's your favorite quote? “A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.” Mark Twain

5. Who do you want to meet right now? A life coach.

6. What's your favorite magazine? Woman’s Day. I subscribed because I thought it was going to be about women finally getting their day. It’s about cooking and cleaning.

7. What do your friends call you most commonly? "You remember Marla, right? The crazy one?"

8. Would you prefer coffee or tea? Coffee…served in bed…in my favorite cup…with just the right amount of girly cream added. I’m not picky.

9. What makes you go wild? Monkeys. And The Monkees. I love you, Davey Jones! Call me.

10. Who's your favorite deep sea diver? Diver Dan, the 1960’s cartoon. I watched him every day. Because of Diver Dan, I fear barracuda to this day.

Now, because I am so bad at awards and Tom is just plain bad, I respectfully pass this Tag on to him at Sophisticated Lunacy. Be careful, though. He is quite deep in the way of many a lunatic.

That brings me to this award given to me by Mommy Lisa. She said she loved this post I wrote . It was about wanting to kill my friend's husband if I recall. Anyway, for some reason it made her give me this award. She must need therapy too. No matter. Thanks again, Lisa, for encouraging my bad behavior with this award.

I don’t think this next one is an actual award, either. I think it is more like being hit with a water balloon. Anyway, my sweet, little Italian bloggy friend Lorenza, @ Pure Energy, hurled it at me. I am suppose to tell you where I will be in 10 years. Because I love Lorenza, I will tell.

Dear Bloggers,

Ten years from now I believe I will be in the poor house, jail or a convent. It’s hard to decide which way to go.



I now tag Deborah @ Fashion Plate. You have officially been hurled on, Deb.

Ok, believe it or not, there are more but I need to get dressed and act like I have a life. So until next time…..thank you to all convicted felons! I appreciate your appreciation.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Rehearsal Dinner And Other Foolishness

I am not a drinker. Nope. Don’t drink. Just don’t drink. Well, except when I drink. I am not against drinking although I am against being a drunk. For any drunks reading this, I am speaking about myself so go back to your drink and relax. I am not talking about you.

One of these people never drinks and is fairly normal...considering who they married and all.

Anyway, I have been known to have a glass of wine now and then. I have also been known to like beer occasionally. Baileys in coffee once in a while…delish! I have even had a few too many twice. Here’s the thing. Weddings seem to be the trigger for my drinking. And parties. Occasionally birthdays and barbecues can make me succumb to a glass or two of something besides water. Ok, and dinner out. I do like wine when dining out.

Even my grandson Cavan likes a nip from the bottle now and then.

What I am trying to say is this: I experienced two firsts at my son’s rehearsal dinner. I had my first margarita ever. Ok, I had my first four margaritas ever. Hey, they were small and I was thirsty…and nervous. Remember, I had never met the new in-laws so have mercy on me. Anyway, the other first was singing Karaoke…in public…with four margaritas under my belt. They were small ones, people! Anyway, I have a feeling those two firsts are somehow related.

My granddaughter Corina got into the act too. I obviously had lost any picture taking skills at this point.

So I am singing. I can’t remember which songs except one. Yep, I chose to sing Stand By Your Man. Really loud. To my husband. I think I was incredibly good as a matter of fact. I’m almost positive of it because people were smiling. No wait, they were laughing. Ok, so maybe I wasn’t good but I was entertaining and that is all that matters, right? Right?? This is just more proof of why I need Jesus.

I think this is the little gal that kept screaming, "Make it stop!"

So, as we were getting in the car to drive back to my sister’s house, (Bob drove because drinking and driving is WRONG!), my son starts hugging me. And as he is hugging me and telling me how much he loves me he says, “We are truly the inappropriate family.”

I’ve never been prouder of him!

Tori and our son Andrew the day before the wedding...the night of the rehearsal...before the Karaoke fiasco. Look at them smiling. Ah, to be young and clueless again.