Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Were You Born In A Barn?

I like a clean house. I really do. I clean mine on a regular basis. I’m talking scrubbed floors, sparkling toilets, polished furniture. I have candles in just about every room. The expensive, smell good, lovely to look at kind. It’s my one splurge that I hope to never give up. Who needs haircuts, facials or clothes newer than 1986? Not me! Send me candles! I love a clean house with smelly candles. Yep….

Of course, this lovely clean home fresh smelling burning candle thing usually lasts, oh, I’d say…..maybe five minutes after the grandkids arrive. Did I mention two of the grands and their parents are living with us while they build a new home? Yeah…
Did I mention two other grands come here after school every day until their parents get here after work? Yeah…
Clean house. Smelly candles. Grands. Five minutes. Tops.

Clean, clean, clean

So, right now my house is seriously resembling a barnyard. Um, do I sound like I’m kidding? Well, I am not. The doors are constantly being left open which means things come in uninvited …all …day … long. Things like dogs that make themselves at home on my bedroom sofa. You know, the one Bob and I purchased so we could sit in our boudoir in our underwear, sipping red wine, smelling our smelly candles … and stuff. Yeah, that one. Well, now it looks like this …all …day … long.

I sure hope Ruby and Gladys are comfortable on MY couch

And our beautiful acreage…the fifteen acres we purchased so we could take long, amorous walks together in the evenings. Maybe sit on the bench by the pond, feed the catfish, talk about growing old together, snuggle quietly in the fast approaching moonlight…and stuff. Well, five of the acres went to the oldest son and his lovely family where they are building the new house…while they live with us …all …day … long. The remaining ten acres of paradise now looks like this.

No seriously, this is close to reality some days

Okay, maybe not quite that bad but close. Due to all the outside debris, I find it safer to stay indoors where I only have to face heat stroke from having no AC. At my age, I cannot afford a broken hip from being run over by a grand on a horse or a motorcyle.

Even Jake has something to say about it

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not complaining. We are very happy to have all this life around us. We are especially thrilled that our kids are building right here on the property. This means we will not be put in a nursing home but can remain on our little pretend farm for the rest of our days. It also means that our oldest son…the one living with us…will have to take care of us when we have dementia, wear diapers and steal his car keys to go cruising at ninety-three years old.

The other siblings seem quite happy that
Matthew gets stuck with us someday
.....when we are old and incontinent

Anyway, enough chatting for today. I need to finish cleaning the kids bathroom. It’s such a great bathroom. We redid it a few years back. Made it all fancy with a double shower. Wanna see it?

Isn’t it lovely?

And here is our beautiful double shower. Isn't it....Wait…what in the world?

A barnyard, I tell ya!

Speaking of chickens....today is my sweet friend Jana's birthday. Now, I am not saying she is old but....

She's no spring chicken. That's all I'm saying.

Happy Birthday, Jana!! I love ya like fried......I mean.....
like baby chicks.  :-)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I’m a Weiner!!!

It’s been over a week since I posted. I hate that. I really do. There has just been way too much going on. For one thing, I have been trying to formulate a plan for keeping up with all the blogs I read while keeping up with all the books I read while keeping up with all the bills I read. It’s just too much reading for one little pea sized brain such as mine. Therefore, I have decided to no longer read bills. Of any kind. Problem solved.

Along with all that reading, I have been job hunting. We still have no AC, plus now, a broken freezer and a little black cloud apparently following us, so getting a job will get me out of this hell hole of an overheated house and bring in some much needed moolah for the new unit. My eBay business usually brings in pretty good money but sadly the economy has dried that milk cow up. It was either the economy or people wised up to the fact that I sell old crap marketed as vintage treasures. Whatever the reason, thanks for the last three years eBay. It was nice while it lasted.

So, now that all my griping is out of the way, let me tell you about some of the great things that have happened to me recently.

First, I got a job taking care of old people…no naked men involved...that I know of anyway. Life is good. Thank you God for answered prayers. I'm thinking this should be fun. I mean, seriously, how hard can taking care of sweet old people be?

Next, I received the most amazing thing in the mail from my bloggy friend, Sonya over at Home Cooking With Sonya. She had a giveaway a bit ago and I won. That’s right, I am a weiner! Now, here is the thing about Sonya. She is from Oregon but now resides in The Netherlands. That means I got the most incredible Dutch goodies in the universe from her. Just see for yourselves!

When we opened the box, it was like Christmas … in The Netherlands! It made us all start singing,

“Sinterklaas kapoentje, Gooi wat in mijn schoentje, Gooi wat mijn laarsje, Dank je Sinterklaasje.”

It was crazy! We don’t even speak Dutch. Ok, we do have Dutch friends but we have no idea what we are saying about Santa when we sing this song. So, just in case, apologies to the North Pole and all Dutch people.

Anyway, the box had the coolest things in it like the card made from one of Sonya’s photographs. Beautiful! She also included a handwritten letter describing each item inside the box. There were all kinds of neat treats like a sweet wooden bird to hang in my window, a Dutch Christmas ornament and lots of yummy things to eat like, honey, vanilla sugar, nuts, seasonings galore and addictive waffle cookies. But my favorite, my all time forever favorite was this.

Dutch cocoa! Not just any Dutch cocoa but Blooker cocoa. This is my favorite for two very important reasons. First, it is the BEST cocoa EVER! Second, it made us laugh hysterically when we saw it because it reminded us of one of our all time favorite movies, Young Frankenstein.

Do you remember Frau Blucher (horses neighing!!)

If you haven’t seen this classic Mel Brooks flick, do yourself a favor and netflix it. You’ll thank me later.... or possibly understand what's wrong with me. Anyway, we will be watching it again as soon as the fall hits and the temperatures drop. You can bet we will be sipping our Blooker (neigh!!!) through the entire movie.

Thanks again, Sonya! You are the best!!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Sundays In My City

Believe it or not, Oklahoma is filled to overflowing with incredible state parks and lakes. As a matter of fact, Oklahoma has the highest number of lakes created by dams in the entire nation. Last Sunday, we went to Fort Gibson state park to enjoy one of those lakes. We went to swim and boat and relax. Doesn't this look relaxing?

Looks can be deceiving because this is what was happening inside that fifth wheel...all...weekend!

We arrived late Friday night. Saturday morning, right after breakfast, the troops were ready for water frivolity. We were ready for the troops to leave the fifth wheel.

I do not like swimming in anything where I cannot see the bottom clearly. This includes oceans, lakes, ponds, reservoirs....get the idea? So, although I look like I am a wonderful Nona enjoying a leisurely swim with two of my girls, I am actually holding onto Ahni in case something from below should grab me. Oh yeah, I will toss her in front of me so fast in order to survive, that little six year old won't know what hit her. She's fish food if they come near me. No, seriously. I am so glad she doesn't read this blog.

Corina offered to babysit Gladys onboard the boat while I took a dip with my six year old body shield.

Gladys, however, refused to be left behind, and proceeded to jump overboard repeatedly. I finally let Ahni go in favor of pushing Gladys in front of me. I hope PETA doesn't read this blog, either.

The afternoon went swimmingly, with no casualties from down under. I know they're there though. Oh, I know, believe you me. I saw Jaws in the '70s.

Then our oldest son, Matt, decided to show off.

Of course, this meant his wife, Molly, had to show him the correct way to show off.

Then it was back to camp for burgers with the grill master. Nice outfit.

Speaking of nice outfits, somebody kill me now...please. And could I get another chin on that bobble head? Holy Dunkin Donuts!

Warning! If your oldest son ever offers to give rides on The Tube and then smiles like this when you accept, DO NOT GET ON THE TUBE!!!

Why? Because first, he will try to kill his bro-in-law, his own little son and one of his sisters.

Then, when they escape, he will try to do away with his oldest sister, his wife and his youngest sister.

When that doesn't work, he will make an attempt on the very persons who gave him life, along with a second attempt on his own little son. Yes, I took my grandson along for a shield. I'm no dummy!

Smart people keep their heads down...

and then there are boys. Nice outfit.

Seriously, somebody shoot us both. Just call the fashion police and line us up. You'll be doing us both a favor. I mean, who wears a little girlie vest like that and I am not talking about me. Something is seriously wrong with this picture. Have we no shame?

I am pretty sure they were considering jumping overboard after seeing their grandparents disgusting displays of belly.

The End

Be sure to visit Unknown Mami for more cities to visit this Sunday!

Unknown Mami

Saturday, August 7, 2010

You May Have Noticed

I am a machine gunner. That's right. You heard it here. My confession regarding my procrastinatingly, annoying, downright disturbing, blogging habit of machine gunning other people’s blogs. I can’t help it. Ok, maybe I can help it but we all know I have no intention or hope of ever actually changing so … Well, deal with it or don‘t. I leave that up to you.

I really truly do mean to read and comment on other writers blogs on a fairly regular basis. Daily would be great. Weekly would even be acceptable. Monthly usually works out … if I’m lucky…and motivated…and the moon is rising in the fifth house of the seventh sun or something along those lines.

Anyway, for those of you who don’t have a clue as to what I am referring to, maybe you are blogless or you could care less if I comment on your blog, please allow me to explain myself. As if there could ever really be an explanation for me. But I digress.

So, you write your wonderful blogs. Then you read my foolishness. Thoughtfully, because that’s how you are, you leave your funny, charming, sweet, comments on my blog. Unless you’re one of my incredibly testosterone driven readers, then it’s a laughable attempt at big boy humor. Either way, you comment and I love it. I am validated. I can keep writing. My life is complete. Nevermind. The proper thing to do at this point would be to read your blogs and leave equally funny, charming, sweet, comments to complete your lives. I am even capable of leaving incredibly testosterone driven comments since my hysterectomy. But I put it off and plan on getting to it, then before I know it, weeks have mysteriously disappeared into thin air.

Eventually, I find a few hours to hide away and do some blog reading. I choose one blog , read all 1000 posts I missed in the last month and comment on each and every one. Then, when the poor schmoe opens their email, there are 1000 emails from me, each filled with witty, wonderful drivel meant to fill the blogger with peace, joy and happiness.

Ok, let’s be honest. I know I am driving some of you crazy with this habit of mine. I truly wish I could sincerely say I am sorry and that I will never do it again. Unfortunately, I am locked, loaded and ready to roll. You might want to take cover…soon!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Naked Men, Lotto Tickets and Heat Induced Celibacy

Life is just stinky sometimes. Like now for instance. The temperature today was 107. It was about the same last week and isn’t looking much better for next week. Of course, being Hansens, this means that something incredible just had to happen. It is our fate or as my sister likes to say, “You guys are nothing but little black clouds.” Anyway, our AC bit the dust, bought the farm, kicked the bucket, breathed it’s last. It’s kaput to the tune of $6500. Well, that isn’t happening. So we are embracing the wet dog look with accompanying smell and wearing it proudly. Ok, maybe not proudly but I’m seriously trying to find a bright side. Work with me.

Having a $6500 need means I need to get another job. I’m good with that. I am a hard worker, dedicated and loyal to my employer. My references are excellent and I am willing to do what it takes to be the best in my field, whatever that field might be. So what field did I apply in? Senior care giving. I am a good caregiver. I like old, smelly people and I am fearless when it comes to dealing with bodily stuff. There is just one little drawback. I do not want to bathe naked men. I have bathed enough male nakedness to last me a life time and I still have one non-female left in this house that likes to display his nakedness on a daily basis. Enough already!

So, I applied, was clear, concise and honest about my willingness to bathe women and my lack of willingness to bathe men. I succinctly stated I would cook, clean, run errands, play cards, drive to fallen arches meetings, any old, smelly men they threw my direction. I would NOT however, bathe them. “No problem”, I was told. “Let’s get you into training and get you working.” Sounds good, right? Well, training was a blast. I was, as usual, the life of the party and had the trainer laughing and loving me from the get go. What could go wrong, right? My first assignment was with two smelly, young, men. That’s right, smelly, young, men. I was to cook, clean and BATHE THEM! “Not happening,” I said. “I told you this in the interview. I told you I didn’t want to waste your time or mine. No bathing men!” So, I am back to sitting in my sweltering house, looking for a job. I am seriously considering marketing our home as a sauna. It could work.

Tonight, as I was looking through the classifieds and brainstorming possibly starting another business, Bob reached in his pocket and pulled out a Powerball ticket. We never buy lottery tickets so I was rather shocked. When I asked him why he would waste $2 on a lottery ticket, he said it was either that or a candy bar and he figured a lottery ticket had a better chance of paying for a new AC unit. Too bad because I could have seriously used a Snickers today.

Anyway, here we are pretty much naked, laying on top of our bed. Sounds like a good time in the making, right? The reality is, the naked guy next to me better keep his wet dog sweaty paws to himself tonight. The only thing I am willing to cuddle up next to is the Dollar General fan humming sweet nothings at my feet. It’s gonna be another long night.

Monday, August 2, 2010

You Live In A Zoo....

Some men are just plain bears to live with, but not you.

You are a real man. You aren't pushy nor easily pushed.

I am always so proud to be with you no matter where we go.

Some men are just plain old dogs but not you. You're the most loyal person I have ever met.

I knew when I first met you I could trust you. I knew because of the way you treated your mother and sister.

Some men go ape when things go wrong.

You have never hidden from life's struggles. You have always been there when we needed you.

You've taught our kids right from wrong through example.

Now don't get me wrong. I know you're no Boy Scout.

Your name is definitely on the bad boy list. wink wink

I loved kissing you then.

I love kissing you now.

You're the only one I want to do the Hokey Pokey with...

or horse around with...ever!

I'm so glad I'm a Hansen because you're a Hansen.

I'd follow you anywhere in a New York minute.

Birthdays have come...

and birthdays have gone...

but no matter how many years go by, my heart still hears music when I look at you.

Happy Birthday, Bobby!! I love you ~