Bob mailed thirteen more envelopes for me today. Thirteen packages of photos and memories along with a quickly handwritten note in each. Thirteen more times of reliving and then letting go. This has become a real journey for me. Much more than I think I realized or anticipated. Today, for some strange reason was really hard. I kept wondering what was going to happen when I finally came to the end of all these photos which is ridiculous to worry about at this point because the end is nowhere near being in sight. There are still more bins full of memories than I can face most days but what if?
What if the memories end when the photos are finished being sorted and sent and catalogued? What if I have nothing to say again? Will it even matter? It will to me. The years of silence in my head after Kelly died were some of the loneliest times I have ever known.
You can be in a room full of people, smiling and laughing with them, and still be absolutely alone.
So, tonight after Bob went to bed, I sat and thought and then walked the house and thought and finally just allowed my fingers to say whatever my heart told them. And there you have it.
I'm living in the past a lot right now. It's part of the journey. But, what if all this is leading me to my future?
What if?
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