Smells Like Heaven

Have you ever noticed how powerful memories are when you smell certain things? I remember walking into a Woolworths after my Aunt Sisi died and instantly blubbering because of the smell of moth balls. Sisi's closets always smelled of moth balls so there was always something comforting to me about that. Until the day I walked into that store and fell apart in public. Nothing could have prepared me for the gut-punch I felt and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop myself from falling apart. Sisi was the closest thing I had to a real grandmother and she was also the first huge loss in my life as an adult. I was thirty in age but instantly ten in heart the day she died. It was life-changing for me.

My mother, me, Aunt Sisi and our dear family friend, Eleanor Garcia. 

This was at the wedding shower Sisi and I hosted for my sister Kelly. This was taken at Sisi's house, early 1980's I think. See the dress Sisi is wearing? She made it. She made all of her dresses, most from the same pattern with a little change here or there. When she died, I stood in her closet and buried my face in her dresses, sobbing. After weeks of this, Bob ratted me out to my cousin Mickey who came over and said enough. She helped me pack all those handmade dresses into boxes and took them to Goodwill. It was for my own good, everyone said. But me being me, I was able to sneak the gray dress in this photo into the bottom drawer of my dresser under all my clothes before Mickey noticed. That gray dress stayed there for more years than I will admit to. It was sniffed and cried into many a time. I finally was able to say goodbye to the dress about ten years ago. I still have her cat eye glasses, however. Every once in awhile I slip them on and laugh because I know she is yelling at me from heaven. "Take those damn things off and act your age!" 

I'll tell you a secret. Sometimes, like today, when I have a wave of sadness wash over me because my mother is gone, I open her china closet and take a deep whiff of the interior. I know that sounds crazy but the smell inside that cabinet that once belonged to Bernice brings me right back to her. I remember her fussing with the glassware making sure it was put back just exactly so, as it was before our Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. I can see her touching the glasses that still sit on the top shelf as they have since the 1940's. I can picture the china closet's matching table, now sitting in our dining room, set with my mothers wedding china throughout the years of my childhood. I remember my aunts, uncles and cousins gathered round the table, eating, drinking and laughing as if it was just yesterday. I can see it all, see them all, because of that glorious smell. 

Someday, I hope one of my children will want the pieces of our past. It's not looking good, though. They all have grown up with healthier outlooks on things and memories than their mother. I'm grateful for that in a way but I'm also glad I'll be dead when they Goodwill all my crap. Which reminds me of a dream I had after Bob and Mickey took all of Sisi's clothes to Goodwill. I dreamt I was sleeping in the back room of her house when I heard a knock on the front door. I got up and ran down the hall to answer it only to find Sisi standing there in a hospital gown. She was really happy to be home so she could put on her own clothes. As she headed down the hallway to her room, with me following behind in a panic, I woke with a jolt, covered in sweat. I just remember crying and yelling at Bob for taking her clothes to Goodwill. Yeah, it's funny....now.

I couldn't step foot inside of a Lowes or Home Depot for a few years after my father died. The smell of lumber would almost knock me to my knees with grief. I was instantly a kid again, going to Boyles Lumber in Cayucos or Buena Park Lumber with him. I loved going to the lumber yard with my dad. He always let me help pick out the lumber, nails and tools we might need for his latest project. My dad loved to build things and was constantly coming up with a new project. He was that guy that could never look at something without seeing how to make it better. I think I got that from him. We might not be right but we sure always thought we were. I still do so the legacy lives on. My parents got a good laugh when I took my career placement test for college. My two top placements were carpenter and forest ranger. Go figure.

My dad's Boyle Lumber yardstick on a table he made when I was in high school. It's now our kitchen table and I couldn't love it more. Which is funny because I thought it was awful when I was younger. I don't know. Dead people things have that effect on me. 

What smells bring memories flooding for you?