Leave Me Alone. I'm Fine.

Today was one of those days. I was all set to write about my next two relatives and it just wasn't happening. The day felt upside down from the moment I woke up. I hurt everywhere, physically and emotionally. That is just the truth of it.

After staring at the keyboard and photographs for hours, I decided to just be honest instead of trying to make something happen that wasn't going to happen. So, I'm writing tonight about my depression and what it looked like today.

This is not going to be interesting or matter to most people and that's ok. I promised myself I would write every day this year for me. It was something I needed to do to move forward from my sisters death. So, I'm doing it. Some days, fairly well, other days, not so much. Either way, I'm pressing on and that's huge for me. 

Today wasn't one of those scary dark days. Depression isn't always unbearable. Sometimes, like today, it's just flat out annoying. It trips you as you try to walk a straight line. I had trouble concentrating and trying to complete the simplest task seemed impossible. But I kept moving forward. It might have been at a snail's pace but I'll take that over being stuck in one spot any day.

The last week or so I've been facing some issues I don't really feel like facing. That is an open invitation for depression. For me, anyway. Anytime I try to outrun or stuff down pain, it eventually catches me and usually when I least expect it. I tell myself every time this happens, just face it, it's so much easier in the long run. I should probably listen to myself one of these days.

Anyway, I'm reminding myself once again, there is no magic formula for grief. There is also no expiration date. Grief is such a strange thing because it brings up things you didn't even know were there or maybe you did but you chose to ignore them. I don't know. I'm not a shrink. I just play one in my head.

I do know this much. As soon as I start cocooning and telling myself I don't need anyone, I just want to be left alone and other such lies, that's my que to move in another direction. I am choosing to stay open no matter how much I want to close down. I am choosing to keep hoping and trusting in people, well, some people, no matter how much I just want to live alone in a barn with my cow. I'm choosing. 

Funny story, my major when I went back to school was psychology with a minor in sociology. I wanted to be a counselor and save the world. Then I realized my mother was right, I can't save anybody. I also noticed many of the counselors I knew were messed up. If that's not depressing, I don't know what is. The biggest reason I stepped away from my degree was I knew I would be a terrible counselor. I don't have patience for people like me. I have compassion for hurting people. I don't have compassion for excuses. I would have been the worst kind of counselor. A real Dr. Laura. She's pretty brutal but I tended to agree with her a lot when I was a listener, back in the day. No wait, I would not have been a Dr. Laura. I'm much tougher than that. I would have been a Dr. Bernice! Or a Dr. Sisi or Dr. Ruth. Not the sex therapist. She seemed nice. No, my Aunt Ruth who was also pretty brutal like Bernie. Hey, if you can't take the truth, stay out of the Walter women's kitchens.

Ok, enough. I'll be back at it tomorrow with a few stories about two more of my mother's siblings. Until then, keep choosing. I am.