Sunday, November 1, 2009

A Face Only A Mother Could Love and She Ain't Here Either

It has been three days since my dad died. Three days. In those three days, I have cleaned out his closet, scrubbed his bathroom from top to bottom, redecorated his bedroom and his living room. I do not feel any better.

I have never been a sit on my rear kind of person. I get that from my parents. Relaxing to the average person is normal. Relaxing to my parents always meant building something, throwing a party for three hundred people or moving someone in need into their home. Idle hands were not allowed in the Casas household.

I really want to just curl up into the fetal position in the corner of my closet and cry until I can’t cry anymore but who has time for that. So instead, today I will be cleaning the garage, brushing down the horses and maybe I will put a new roof on the house. It’s what my dad would be doing if his dad had just died.

My friends and family have been amazing. People are bringing food, calling, and writing. The words written and spoken to me have been deeply touching bringing me to tears each and every time. I have been saving every card, letter and email knowing that later on down the road, they will bring me great happiness when I re-read how loved I am. Right now, I just cry.

I hate crying. I especially hate crying in front of people. I have seen myself cry before. No, I did not stand in front of the mirror and practice but I have caught glimpses of myself as I wept. It was not a pretty sight. I guess crying wouldn’t be so bad if I could do it and look like one of the actresses you see on TV or in the movies. They still look great. I, however, look worse than I normally do. My face contorts, the small amount of make-up I usually wear magically multiples into massive rivers of black running down my face and snot drips from my facial orifices. Seriously, not a good look even for an Okie.

The other thing that is starting to really annoy me is my loss of control. The truth is, I never really have control over my life, but I have learned to pretend I do. These last three days have brought reality crashing down on me like Dorothy’s house on the Wicked Witch of the East. I can be going along just fine, cleaning and cooking and talking to Bob or one of our flying monkeys and wham! Out of nowhere, I am bawling my head off, face contorted, black river running, snot dripping bawling. The more I try to stop, the worse it gets.

This orphan thing is not working for me.


Anonymous said...

Happy Cleaning and Hugs to go along with it. I know a big hole is in your heart but don't tell Maureen cuz she will try to fill it with her yummy cookies and we know what that will do. (Make us smile, of course) Love ya Cher
My word verification today swisesse made we think of all our aunties especially Meta.

Anonymous said...

Oh and by the way can you fly out and clean my house too!

Amarja said...

Yeah I understand that crying-thing in front of people. I have a lot of experience with that! Even infront of my boss at work and infront of groups of people I have to share things with.. Now people think I look really pretty when they see me without the crying-thing.
Marla the crying-thing will probably will go on for some while, it is ok do.. I have notice that people still like you even do you have the snotering-thing and mascara-streams on your face going on. And you know; if they don't then there are some great people in Holland who love you lots and would love to help you clean out everything you like if the could.. :)
Lots of love!

Diane said...

Tears are a gift from God, don't deprive yourself of the blessing. Hugs, kisses and lots of love.

MindyBB said...

The ugly cry no less... I hate that I don't look pretty either when I boo hoo... I am so sorry I really can't imagine I cried when I was reading this. Then I scrolled down and saw the picture of your dad with his dukes up and the blue jacket and hat. He had those on a few times when I saw him! Still love you!

DeLinda said...

I just wanted to say that I totally understand what you're saying about the 'crying thing', believe me, Rae could tell you MANY stories about her 'blubbering idiot' of a friend that she has to watch with "black drippings' of eyeliner & mascara running down my face at work as I try to hide from everyone. ;( Tears are 'cleansing', and not only that, they're totally normal and needful. Rae has told me SO many times how much I remind her of you, and after reading your expressive words about your precious 'daddy', I do have to agree with her.

We are continually praying for ALL of you! ;)


Amy said...

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"

Jana said...

You have a beautiful face and a beautiful heart to match it. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel because it is part of the healing process. Keep your hands busy and trust the Lord for grace, mercy, love, peace and understanding. Cherish the love that is extended to you from your family and friends and draw strength from it. I have seen you cry and I definitely look horribly worse. We both know you are a control fanatic and God knows too, but right now you must let him be in control. Now chin up, swat those flying monkeys down, put on your ruby slippers and click three times, because remember there is no place like home,family and friends and you are wonderfully blessed with all three. :) Prayers and love to you always!

Sarah said...

i think some crying is necessary to not only release your emotions, but honor your dad on his passing. he's at a better place now and all pains are gone from him. god bless.

Dianna said...

Oh my the crying thing, never mind we practiced endlessly in the mirror, some of my sisters and all. The most awful thing in the world was for your top lip to loosen and flail about out of control, because that look would unleash the most guttural noise one can make. So we practiced what we called the pretty cry, by pushing out the bottom lip, and holding that upper lip tightly and weeping gently and sweetly with your head held a certain way. Unfortunately I wasn't such a good student, and always forgot my practice til I was all hoarse from the deep wailing that only come from that unpretty face. Humm.. now that you have mentioned it, I think a beautiful thing may come from that ungly face. Release, cleansing, stuffed away feelings and emotions so locked down we don't know we even have. Hummm.... maybe that is why the ungly face, life is so ugly and hard sometimes. Well I didn't mean to write so much, but you know me, now I will have to think about the crying thing some more, btw, one sis,S never got the memo about the pretty cry, buh,buh,buh....or maybe she did? Loving you today!

Marla said...

Cher~ I love the verification code. Long live the Swiss! ...and yes, I will be happy to clean your house. :-)

Amarja,Diane,DeLinda,Jana & Sarah~ Thank you. I will accept the gift of tears .... like I have a choice? :-)

Mindy ~ Thank you for crying with me. That's friendship!

Amy ~ I love you so much it hurts. No, seriously, my heart aches to see you.

Dianna ~ I love you!