Fat Not Phat

My mother was obsessed with feeding people. If you showed up at my parents house, there was going to be a massive amount of food put out for you, hungry or not. It didn't matter if you had just eaten, my mother was going to feed you again. It was how she loved people. She fed them.

The other crazy thing was how she fed everyone. You could look through the refrigerator and pantry and not find anything to eat as a kid. But, the minute people showed up, my mom started loading the table with incredible delicacies. It was like The Great Hall at Hogwarts. Food just seemed to magically appear and it was always pretty spectacular. I could never figure out how she did it when I was young but I was always so happy when it happened. And it happened a lot because our house was always full of people.

No matter how unhappy my mom might be, the minute she had people to cook for, she was absolutely joyful. I loved watching her chop, slice and dice, moving from stove to sink to fridge and back to the cutting board. It was this beautiful dance she did all alone in a world she would never allow us to enter. All preparation, cooking, baking and serving was done by my mother in our house. I don't think she trusted any of us to do it right because, as she always said, she had a special way of doing everything. She wasn't wrong.

Just a little Christmas Buffet Bernice threw together. Oy!

Years later, once I had a family of my own, I somehow found the same magic. I was able to fill our table with more than decent meals morning, noon and night. The kids would complain there was nothing to eat and before they knew it, the pots were bubbling on the stove and something wonderful was in the oven. I love cooking but more importantly, I love feeding people. Something happens to make me really happy when I serve food to those gathered around our table. I don't know that I understand what it is at its core but I know it's the same magic my mother possessed. 

There's some weird connection however to the struggle my mother had for decades with her weight. None of my sisters have weight issues but they all feed people just like our mother did. I, however, have struggled with being fat for most of my adult life. I hate it and yet, I can't seem to change it. Not so far anyway. 

Food is more than sustenance to me. It represents love and comfort and a feeling of peace, even if only for the moment. That's what makes it so dangerous to me. It's what I turn to when I'm sad, or lonely or feeling broken. I feel those things more than I like to admit. Then the shame follows. Looking in mirrors is torture because I am reminded of my constant and ongoing failure as a person. I worry about embarrassing my children or friends, so I avoid people more than I should. That's just the truth.

I have been called out and shamed by family and friends, more than you would believe. It has not been helpful or necessary as I carry enough guilt already. Most people would never know this has been a burden for me because I have always used my sense of humor to cover the real feelings behind my weight. Ultimately, I blame no one but myself for my life. I get the credit for what I've done right. I get the blame for all that is effed up. That's also the truth.

So, I won't stop feeding people or cooking. It's a big part of who I am and I like that part of me. But, I will be seeking therapy to get to the bottom of this nightmare. It has affected my life for too long and I'm tired. This isn't about losing weight anymore. I've done that. Over and over and over. It's about something much deeper. I'm also not doing this for anyone but myself. I spent most of my life trying to please other people so they would love me or like me or include me. That's exhausting and stupid. 

I struggled with sharing this part of my life but I've felt compelled for awhile now to share the truth with whoever reads this. Maybe someone else is struggling with their own demons and can't seem to find the way out. There is a way and it's ok to ask for help finding the exit door. Do it for you because you matter more than you know.