Wednesday, April 21, 2010

You Are Such A Boob

Ok, gentlemen, before reading any further, I must warn you, there are indeed references to breasts in this post. I say this due to the fact that my last breast related post seemed to have sent some of you men over the edge. I believe there were comments along the lines of, "Please! Somebody make her stop!" So, you have been warned.


My sister Kelly has made her decision and is going to have spinal surgery on May 17th. The surgery is scheduled at MDAnderson in Houston. None other than the infamous Dr. McDreamy will be performing the surgery along with his usual cast of characters assisting. This is not your regular, run-of-the-mill back surgery. Oh no! This is a major, remove that tumor, rebuild part of the destroyed spinal column, my back surgery is better than your back surgery kind of dealio. Kelly always has been a show off and insists on doing everything in a far superior way than the rest of us peons.




Anyway, Kel and I have been conversing on a daily basis about deep life issues. I mean, time is short and you never know what might happen so you need to say the important things now before it’s too late. So that is what we have been discussing. Deep important issues…..like, what the hell am I suppose to wear to my youngest son’s wedding next month when I am so dang fat that I can’t even fit in a tent? And my hair! Has anyone seen my hair lately? I have never met his fiancés family and I was hoping not to look like the witch from the wizard of Oz at our first meeting. At least the witch was thin. I guess looking like a witch would be ok if I was thin. Did I mention I’m freaking fat? But I digress.




Kelly, of course, barely hears a word I say. Why? Because it’s all about her. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. All she wants to talk about is how mad she is that she won’t be at the wedding and how my son is like a son to her and how sad everyone is going to be that she won’t be there because she is the life of every party. Yeah, you’re the freakin queen of the May, Kel. How will the wedding ever go on without you?



As if that isn’t bad enough, she pours salt in my big, fat, bad hair wound and informs me she has asked McDreamy for a favor. Could he do a boob job while he is in there anyway? And that jerk of a doctor says, “Sure, Kelly. We can do a boob job for you because after all, you are the Queen of the May.”


So, now I have to go to my sons wedding looking like Jabba on a bad hair day. My sister, the Queen, won’t be there to garner all the attention which means people might actually see me which makes me feel nauseous even thinking about it. And if all that isn’t bad enough, by the time this stinking wedding is over, Kelly will have perky girls once again and I will just be left looking like a boob.




Kelly, I know you are reading this blog again so I have one thing to say to you. I love you and I would trade places with you in a New York minute. Yes, I am that desperate to get out of going to this wedding.

37 comments:

Ocean Girl said...

The two of you are cute, and you are cute and your post is cute.

I pray the surgery and the boob job will be successful. And I'll add a little prayer that you'll find that dress and that hairdresser.

Frau said...

I hope all goes well with Kelly's surgery boobs and all! I'm jealous Mcdreamy and new boobs! Lucky!

Monkey Man said...

I started reading you boob blog at the same time Mrs. MM came to me laughing at a new product her company is peddling - Cleavage Covers. Perhaps a post surgery gift for your queenly sis.

Hope the wedding goes well. I know you will be radiant.

Brian Miller said...

oh come now...you will have fun at the wedding and look wonderful...hope the boobs turn out well. smiles.

Coby said...

The nerve of your sister to get a boob job in the middle of her spinal surgery (WITH a McDreamy doctor, I might add!) while you have to go to this wedding with nothing to wear and crazy hair on top of it and scare your future in-laws! ;-)

I love this post! Praying for your sister, all boobs involved, and that you will find something to wear that makes you feel and look fabulous!

Dawn said...

I love this post. You can just feel the love between the two of you. I always wanted a sister.

She deserves to have perky girls just for having to endure such a nasty surgery.

Some people will do anything to get out of going to a wedding. Ha!

Nancy C said...

I love the relationship between the two of you as well. If she gets Botox as well, I would be bittttter. :)

TechnoBabe said...

That is a lot going on in one family at the same time. Don't eat until the day of the wedding, that's what I would do. Smile.

Oklahoma Granny said...

Your sister relationship is wonderful. I can just tell.

Weddings are stressful - at least for me. I know you'll find the perfect dress and you'll look wonderful.

I'll keep everyone's needs in my prayers.

Nicole said...

I think new boobs are just what the doctor ordered. Even if you feel like crap, you can look down at those happy, perky, silicone laden blobs on your chest and just feel a new lease on life!

Cheers to DD's!

Auntie Cake said...

You are going to have an incredible time and look utterly amazing at the wedding. Praying for your sis and her surgery, and she should get need boos with all that she has had to undergo!
Kate

Mommy Lisa said...

Peace, Love and Perky Boobies!

praying for everything, including your hair.

Marla said...

Ocean Girl ~ All prayers are greatly appreciated.

Frau ~ I swear I heard Napoleon Dynamite when you said Lucky.

MM ~ Now, there is an idea!

Brian ~ Half a glass of champagne and I won't remember a thing.

Coby ~ I know. Can you believe the nerve of her?

Dawn ~ How funny! You always wanted a sister and I have one to give away.

Nancy ~ I'm bitter without the botox. :-)

Techno ~ Not eating is a good plan except for the going without food part.

Ok Granny ~ I never stopped to think about all these darn weddings when we kept having litter after litter.

Nicole ~ Double D?? Who are you, Pamela Anderson??

Ms. Anthropy said...

I can just hear you saying... "I'll get you, my pretty and your perky boobs, too!"

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

Doesn't it suck when some people have all the luck? I mean - a boob job by a great looking hunk of a doctor? No fair...

I'd love to have my real estate put back where it belongs, too but not sure that will happen in this life. Partly because I'm a pansy. Partly because I think the doc would get in there and say something like which set of boobs am I moving??? Aw well - such is life!

Good luck at the wedding. I can sympathize. My daughter is having a beach wedding. I am part of the "thin-lips-and-hair-full-hips" crowd. Which part of me shall I attempt to look good???

Sarah said...

you are going to be fine. you will be so happy in the wedding that all of your pictures are going to turn out great. kelly can have her boobs but it won't be by mcdreamy--i do believe back and front don't mix. good luck kelly!

Blasé said...

My best wishes for Kelly.

Ida said...

Can't believe Blaze didn't have more to say. Anyway, hope the surgery and the wedding both go well.

Enchanted Oak said...

Okay, so the important thing is you and Sis are addressing the reality of a death-defying surgery. It's important that somebody be able to speak about how they feel in regards to possibly dying. A lot of cowardly folk would just shun that talk altogether.
Next, I'm fat. You can be pleasingly plump. I've discovered just this week that I AM PUTTING MY BEST FACE FORWARD EVEN IF I HAVE BELLY ROLL ISSUES. This is as good as I will get for today.
So go to that bridal shop where you can order dresses up to 26 W or whatever, and buy a pretty dress. Get a good haircut now so you can see how good you can be.
End of advice. Hugs to you. Chris

Unknown Mami said...

Scoop your boobs into a push up bra and enjoy the heck out of that wedding.

Sending your sister positive thoughts.

Wendy said...

Best of luck Kelly. Operation.

Best of luck Marla. Wedding.

VKT said...

Its great that you and your sister have such a wonderful relationship. I hope the surgery and the wedding go well.



There is an award for you on my blog.

kbxmas said...

You crack me up Marla. I hope all goes well with the surgery and that your sister's boobs come out looking fanf*ckingtastic.

UberGrumpy said...

Wow. Best of luck, Kelly.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Wait a second. If you're fat, who's the skinny chick sitting next to your sister in the hospital bed?

Lola Sharp said...

Best wishes for Kelly, as always.

As for you, lots of card, eat clean, lots of water and a multi vitamin/day...and Spanx! A visit to the salon
(cut and color), and you'll be ravishing.

Joanna Jenkins said...

You so do NOT look fat or have bad hair-- But I know what you mean-- there's so much pressure that goes with weddings and not having your new and improved Sis by your side stinks.

Hope the surgery goes well. I would love new boobs!

Cheers,
jj

Far Side of Fifty said...

Perky girls and a spinal surgery..I wish your sis the best and will keep her in prayer..

Good luck with the wedding look, I am sure you will find something to wear..the focus is on the bride anyway..you could probably wear a gunnysack and no one would notice..:)

angie said...

Wishing your son a happy marriage.....you'll look gorgeous and your sister as pain-free surgery and recovery as possible. IT's so nice that she can laugh with you about it. :)

MindyBB said...

Oh, Marla, You can sneek a smile knowing her boobs will now have scars... Kelly- prayers for you during the surgery and I'll send Marla with a flask so she can be the life of the party in your place ;-)

Lorenza said...

Hi Marla I have probably already told you that I went through cancer only 2 years ago. My life has changed since I have done the Part 1 course of the Art of Living Foundation. I am clear and I am feeling great since I practice a simple breathing technique every day. Only 30 minutes of my time every day to feel the way I never felt in my life. AOL is present in 150 countries (www.artofliving.org) your sister should combine the traditional treatments with the breathing.
Gool luck for the wedding
LOL

Kelly said...

First I'd like to thank all the well wishers that are sending good energy and prayers for my surgery on May 17th, I really appreciate your support.
Next, I must clarify my sisters blog ~ true, as Dr.McDreamy broke the bad news to me about removing the tumor from my spine, through my tears, I asked "I guess a boob job is out of the question?!?" to which he replied "sure!" This part of the conversation was in jest, to lighten the mood, which was very dark. Truth of the matter, thanks to several years of steroids, I do need work, however, I have some other pressing matters to handle 1st.
In the meantime I've been getting all kinds of calls & messages congratulating me on my new look. I sure LOVE my sister, the BOOB!

Libbie said...

You are too funny! I am a bit jealous too...but you can't go as afro Jabba or we will match!!! & that would not be good! So you a=go as the goregous one & I will stick to the Jabba look. Have so much fun & dance the night away! (Only if there is a dance though Marla...if not....just sit there & smile :)

Glen said...

There is nothing like a bit of good old fashioned compassion. And that was nothing like...

seriously though - very funny.

best of luck with everything.

Glen.

Lily Robinson said...

You can count on me to pray for her surgery.

If I ever have to go through something like that, I hope you're around to lighten up the day! And if you want, I'll go to the wedding and stand beside you... You'll look good then!

Kristin said...

Prayers going up for your sissy. And I'm sure you'll look fabulous at the wedding lady!

spine surgery houston said...

Nice images shared. So how was your sister's spinal surgery at last? Was it successful?
Nice sharing of your life experiences here.