Last February, we spent a few months at MDA for her fifth….or was it her sixth?….brain surgery. November the year before that, we spent months there for her total hip replacement. The cancer had literally done away with her left hip making walking impossible. Although Kel has been fighting this damn disease for over twelve years, it’s really the last three that have been the toughest and most life altering.
Way back in the beginning, when Kelly was first diagnosed, our parents were still alive. It was really hard to watch them fall apart as they watched their baby go into that first brain surgery. Kelly was only thirty-six and in the best physical condition a person could ever imagine to be in. It all just seemed so wrong. One of the laws my little sister passed at that time was this: I was NOT allowed to cry…..ever. Everybody in her hemisphere was crying over her situation. She wanted….needed….me to be strong, in control and most important of all……funny. That’s right. I was hired to entertain her troops. I had to keep people smiling and focused on the positive. That included updating her blog with my take on her misery. You can only imagine!
Anyway, I have done a bang up job of not crying for the last twelve years. Ok, maybe I had a tear or two over my sister but never….and I mean NEVER in front of her or most anyone else. Until this week. This week something unexpected has happened. I have lost control of my Kelly tears. Like at the vet’s office the other day. I stopped by to pay a bill and our veterinarian, Elizabeth, who has known me and my stoic ways for sixteen years, asked how Kelly was doing. I. Came. Unglued. I couldn’t speak. I was absolutely blubbering, red-faced, snot-dripping blubbering. It wasn’t pretty. I told her Kelly was fine and I was just distraught over having to pay the bill. I’m stupid like that. Just ask Kelly.
Then there was today. The icing on the cake. I called Kelly because I was really ticked off about something. I told her, “I need you to talk me down.” So, she did. And everything she said made sense and I told her so. Then I started to cry. I. Mean. CRY! There was no stopping it. The harder I tried, the worse it got. She kept telling me to stop stressing over the wedding and life crap and blah, blah, blah until finally, the truth came out.
“Kel, I am so mad at you! I am really (insert wailing here), really (insert snot-dripping wailing here) mad at you!”
“Wha……you’re mad at me? What did I do?”
“I am really mad at you for being sick (insert loud blubbering) and I want you to stop it right now! I can’t take anymore. And I want you to stop it. I mean it. I’m getting really, really pissed off so just stop it…..ok?”
This is when Kelly started to cry and said one of the stupidest things to date. Oh, and believe me, she has said some pretty stupid things before but this was the prize winning hog of them all.
“Well, I don’t want to be sick anymore either and it’s about time you cried!”
For twelve freaking years you have pounded my head against the wall all the while making me repeat, “Not allowed to cry. Not allowed to cry. Not allowed to cry.” You are a moron!!! Have I ever mentioned that before? Well, just in case I haven’t…..YOU ARE A MORON!
So, in celebration of our new found understanding, I have a special post I am preparing just for you, Kelly Jeanne Casas. Oh yeah…..it’s on baby!!
I love you ..... but it's still on! Bwahahahahahaha