Monday, March 15, 2010

DO NOT READ THIS ~ YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Today is my 52nd birthday. Big, happy, freakin deal. Do I sound bitter? Sorry, sometimes the truth slips out and the real me shows. I am not a happy person today. I am an angry, bitter person today. There it is. The truth about me. You may all stop reading now. I warned you.



I have never hated my birthday. I always loved my birthday. I reminded family and friends for weeks that one was coming...in the past. I always wanted a party with tons of noise and food and people. I relished watching everyone having a great time at my expense. Go ahead. Tell me how old I am. I love a good put down.




But not this year. This year I just want to be left alone to wallow in my mental misery. I have been told by a few people that I love dearly that I am a liar. That nothing I say on this blog is true. That it is all just my twisted, warped perception of things. Well…..yeah! What did people expect this was about…their view of things? I never asked anyone to read this crap. I never asked anyone to believe this drivel. I wrote this for me…..because I was afraid I would forget. I started this blog because I was watching my dad die and I was overwhelmed with fear that when he finally was gone, I would be gone too. So I started to write because I thought maybe it would help keep me sane and alive. I never meant to hurt anyone. I did this for me. I’m selfish like that.


The poor me truth is, something awful has happened to me. When my dad died, all my joy seemed to go with him. I just want to go home. I want to sit with my parents at their kitchen table and listen to them argue. I want my stupid mother to tell me how fat I am and how I have wasted my life. I want my butthead dad to offer me money to lose weight, stop having kids or whatever other manipulative thing he thought he could financially bribe me out of. Those people were sick and I miss them and I am miserable today.

 


I know feeling sick for five days has not helped my mood or attitude. I also know I need serious mental therapy along with medication. Just ask my sisters. I also know I have come to the end of something I have never come to the end of before. I have come to the end of my childhood. My parents are both gone on my birthday and I am really, really pissed off.

 

24 comments:

Monkey Man said...

Happy birthday. It is also my step father's birthday, but will probably no longer be his most favorite day. Hope you get feeling better.

Gucci Mama said...

I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom beyond "give the jackass who said those things a throat punch" but apparently I'm not made of sugar and spice today. Also, I just discovered the phrase "throat punch" and I'm trying to use it in a sentence whenever possible.

In seriousness, though, I'm sorry you're going through such a rough patch. I have loved reading your blog, been inspired by the things you've said, and I can tell that they come from the heart. I think you rock.

Also, I'm giving out free throat punches today. So, let me know if you're interested.

Parsley said...

Your feelings are so understandable. It's okay to be upset at not having your parents around. It especially hurts around the holidays and birthdays.

Sweetie...I mean this...please come to my party in April. I want to share my birthday with you. I want to blow out candles with you and laugh and love as friends should.

I've never had a party like this and it would be so awesome to share it with you.

Blasé said...

yeah, Right! You tell me "not" to read it, and like I'm really not going to, NOW.

SB will be 59 pretty soon. So, it could be worse ;D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.....whether you like it, or not.

Ms. Anthropy said...

Happy Birthday! Today is my Mom and Dad's anniversary. I miss them and understand how you feel. Feel better Marla. Now I must go look up "throat punch." Maybe that's what happened to me, and I didn't recognize it.

If it makes you feel any better, you'll never be as old as me.

Lola Sharp said...

Anger is a stage of grief. Your birthday is a a reminder, a trigger. Plus, the people you love that said that, well, that'd make me angry (and hurt) too.

I'd be mightly tempted to tell them to suck it. And a few other colorful verbs.

Sending you cyber hugs...and singing HAPPY BIRTHDAY to YOU!!

Wendy said...

Hi there - I have only just started to read your blog and do you want to know why I added it to my fav list - the first time I read it - it made me laugh. Now I know you don't have to make me laugh every time I read it but please take note that you are quite funny at times and it is a pleasure to have a giggle at the words you have written - which is your perception of things going on around you.

Get that - your perception - and it's okay to have your perception. If others do not like it and think that it is not true then that is their choice. I am sure you have read that saying - WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Just get on doing what you do well and ignore them. Love them. Be kind to them. Because there is another saying which is also very true - KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS. I have found that nothing pisses anyone of more than ignoring them and their comments and having no reaction to them.

Seriously if someone is reading your blog and doesn't like what you are writing then they have the CHOICE to STOP reading and log of. Go to another blog that they are more in tune with. Jealousy does strange things to some people.

So this brings me to the last saying that I have to share - Not my words but someone else’s and so TRUE !!!!

"Now I have, as many do, moments where things just do not go my way. In the past I have felt that God and/or the universe has a sense of humor and I was the punch line. I also realize the more I feel “cosmic victim”, the more I can find circumstances to substantiate this feeling based upon my chosen perspective. The key word here is “chosen”.

What we focus on is what we see!

And it's okay to miss your parents - don't apologise for it - maybe look at a way to honour them each year - even if it is on your birthday and you do that thing first thing in the morning before you get on with celebrating your life - celebrate theirs and what they did for you. Don't wallow it -just celebrate and be thankful that you had parents that you remember and that even amongst all their human failings they have given you the gift of good memories to hold onto.

Happy Birthday.

Enchanted Oak said...

Honey, I had family members criticize me for what I write on my blog, and it hurt like hell for a few days. Then the realization finally dropped from my head to my heart that the blog isn't about them; it's about me and my truth. So their truth and my truth are different, BFD. You know what BFD stands for right? (Laughter)
It sucks when childhood stops because the Parents are gone. There's a grief about not being someone's child anymore. But you get used to it eventually, and like the blog critics, it doesn't hurt bad forever.
Happy birthday. It could be worse. Be nice to yourself. We blogger friends are glad you are alive.

Oklahoma Granny said...

If I only lived closer I'd come right over and give you a million hugs and listen to whatever you had to say about whatever. Bless your heart!

Blessings to you on your birthday, my friend.

Kfred said...

Since we are the same age, I know your pain. Perhaps I can help. A few things that I pledge to you:


1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories
about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Happy Birthday. Now get back writing!

Marla said...

Monkey Man ~ I am truly ashamed of my whining, whimpering ways. Please forgive my foolishness. My heart is with you today, my friend.

Gucci Mama ~ You are definately my most favorite violent friend...and I mean that! :-D

Deena ~ You made me cry. Ok, so that isn't really all that hard to do today but I am still giving you cry baby credits for good tears. I would love to celebrate your birthday with you!

Blasé ~ How in the WORLD does that poor woman put up with you?

Ms. Anthropy ~ A heavenly happy anniversary to your parents. Getting older beats the alternative. :-)

Lola ~ You are so right. I am hyper-sensitive today because I am missing them. Grief sucks!

Wendy ~ Thank you! A friend will always tell you the truth.

Enchanted ~ You are so funny and touching and tender and real. Thank you!

Ok Granny ~ And I would let you! Thank you for being such an example of what love in action is.

Kfred ~ Today was my be miserable day. Did you not get the memo? Then I make the mistake of reading your outstanding pledge and I cannot stop laughing. That.....and I think I am in love with you now. Does this mean we are going together in blogland? This is getting sicker by the minute.

Brian Miller said...

happy birthday! i hope you are feeling better soon. your log is about you...no one else. it is their choice to read if they want but...stay true to yourself....

Deborah said...

Marla my darling. Just think in your head, "fuck 'em if they can't take a joke."

We love you girl.

Parsley said...

Okay then darlin...I'll see you April 10th. Plan to bring your girls if they wanna come. I'll email you all the info you need. You can drop by my house earlier in the day for a meet and greet before we go prepare for OUR party! It will be in the evening and may put you home late but it will be worth it. ;) I can't wait to celebrate with you!

Happy Birthday!!

Auntie Cake said...

Hi Marla,
Okay, I don't know if you want a hug from me or a loving swift kick in the pants (Hoping that made you laugh...) Don't worry about us, it's your blog, you are the author, you are perfectly able to write whatever your little heart desires. We have the option to read, or not to read. Your friends will stick by you, and just try and delete the other ones.

I haven't lost a parent yet, so I don't know how it feels, but I do know that you are able to mourn anyway you please. If it makes you feel even a teensy bit better, write to your hearts content. I'll keep reading and cheering you on...I would think it is so much better than to keep it all bottled up.

Hope you get at least one spectacular birthday present. That always makes me feel better. Now I too, am going to have to figure out a way to use throat punch. I'm feeling kind of left out here!
Kate

ALVN of WhisperWood Cottage and Junkologie said...

Share your truth, my friend. Tell your story, let it go, and then write a new story for the future. Welcome the anger and the tears. Those feelings need to be felt.

Amy

Lily Robinson said...

It's YOUR day... whine all you want! I'm sorry you are grieving today. Wish I could give you a squeezy hug.

I do like the throat punch idea...

kbxmas said...

So Marla, should I come over there and hug you or slap you or bring chocolate? You're 52 years young baby. We'll get to see our moms and dads again....someday. Until then, keep writing. We need your voice.

P.S. I'm kinda crushing on Kfred too.

Okie Book Woman said...

Marla, it's 11:45 p.m. as I write this, so your birthday is almost over. Heck, when you've had more than 50 birthdays (and I've had 10 more than you've had, incidentally), some of them are bound to be hellish. I remember one 40 something birthday when my husband yelled at me early in the day, which really upset me. But most of my birthdays have been okay.

I'm an orphan now, too, and it does hurt.

I'm sorry this birthday has sucked, but maybe by the time you read this (when it will no longer be your birthday), life will look better.

As for your blog, as others have said, IT'S YOUR BLOG! Write whatever you want. I love reading it.

Balazs & Leah said...

Happy Birthday!! Just two things: Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so. That is the only important thing! NOT what anyone else thinks. Second, it is when you come to the end of yourself that the real work of God can begin so you are in a good place even if it doesn't feel great. Love you!

gayle said...

I know how you feel but it is still hard!!! Take car of you!!

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry that your bday brought you sadness. I hope you were able to find some happiness before the day was out!

Unknown Mami said...

First of all I am so sorry that I missed your birthday.

Feliz Cumpleaños!

I can not believe your birthday is on the Ides of March. Beware the Ides of March.

Both your parents may be gone, but the child in you is not. Inside of the 52 year old woman, is an 12 year old girl sitting in her mother's kitchen, surrounded by friends and blowing out candles. That girl will never go away.

Marla said...

Brian ~ Thanks for the good advice. I will take it.

Deborah ~ Ok, you made me laugh ... and cuss. LOL

Parsley ~ I am getting excited!

Kate ~ Oh, you know me so well! I am definately a kick in the pants kind of gal. Nice makes my stomach hurt. :-)

Amy ~ Thank you for understanding.

Lily ~ This throat punch thing is really catching on. LOL

kbxmas ~ Hug me or slap me. As long as you are offering chocolate...I'm easy.

Okie Book Woman ~ You are so right. It's a new day and life is good again. I am so freaking fickle!

Leah ~ You are so right. I am right where He wants me. Thank you, Leah for always speaking truth to me. I love you!

gayle ~ Always

Kristin ~ Things always look better in the light of a new day.

Mami ~ Are you absolutely sure we aren't related? Gracias, mi amiga!