Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Moving On

I have been trying to write a post for the last three days and just have not been able to do it. Well, that’s not totally true. I have actually written them but they were so depressing that even I, in all my wickedness, couldn’t bring myself to do that to anyone foolish enough to read this drivel. So, I will condense it all for you and then move on, pretending life is wonderful and I am wonderful and there is a Santa Claus. Denial. It’s a good thing.





My little sister, the one I fight with constantly, the one with cancer, the one I love more than life itself, is not feeling well. I heard resignation in her voice the other day. I am hoping with all my heart she is only doing this to piss me off because she knows it does. If that’s the case then I am fine with it. I think I am scared. Feelings denied and moving on...





My children. A few are going left. Everyone knows I am right. Enough said. Throwing these into the denial bin also. Keep moving …





In the words of that classic and deeply thought-provoking song:

“Your love gives me a thrill but your love don’t pay my bills. I need money!”

Finances. I hate money, finances, dollar signs, coinage, pictures of presidents, you get it. I just want to grow my garden, feed my chickens and ride my horse. Did I just hear the ghost of my mother yelling in my ear, “Grow up already!” Like I ever listened to her anyway. So, I am starting a second job next week. It’s temporary and necessary and I am thankful for it. Don’t I sound thankful?? Denied!





The final poor me thought of the day: I am fifty-one. Is this it? I really had such high hopes for myself back in the day. Seriously, Hansen, look at what you have done with what you were given. That’s the best you could do, for heaven sake? Pathetic! Boarding the boat on the river of denial …





Enough about Egypt. Let’s talk about the list. I am turning the page on the VA … for now anyway … and moving onto the next list item.

4. Join an open AA meeting and befriend someone there.

I called the City Rescue Mission yesterday and signed up to be an official volunteer. The rest of this week will be about filling out paperwork and then attending orientation Monday night. This opportunity and where it may lead is so exciting. The thought of actually impacting someone’s life through relationship is awesome. When I spoke with the coordinator yesterday, I was very honest about my reasons for volunteering. I am such a relational person that mentoring is definitely my first choice. I am not afraid to scrub toilets, clean kitchens or take care of someone who is sick either. Ultimately, I want to know I have made a difference in someone’s life no matter what that looks like or how it came about.

The Mission has an AA program that I can be a part of as a volunteer. This could get interesting …



21 comments:

SamiJoe said...

wow, our thoughts over the last few days have been very similar. my closest cousin (we look alike,are the same age, sisters) just found out she has stage 3 cervical cancer. We are 32.
It's been a bummer of a week....
Here's LOOKING UP!

Oklahoma Granny said...

Life's struggles are certainly no fun but they do make the good times much sweeter. Your family is in my prayers. I used to have a sign that read something like, "when things are going downhill, look up". Blessings to you, my blogging friend.

Parsley said...

Oh hon, my heart goes out to you. Be sure to know that we're here to read and follow along your blog journey in good and bad times. Be yourself, unload and share so we can stand by you in prayer.

{{{Hugs}}}

And...if you ever need to talk..you have my email. I'll offer my shoulder and opinions with love. I'm not that far away in real life either!

gayle said...

I know what you mean about denial...I do that too. I bet volunteering will bring you joy!!

Queen-Size funny bone said...

After reading your post I don't feel so alone.

justsomethoughts... said...

inspirational is a weak word for what you do.
nuff said
though id like to say much more

Unknown Mami said...

Give yourself a break.

Diane said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. But it seems you are someone who lifts others up... and hopefully that means you'll get lifted in turn.

And those left-leaning kids? Don't worry about them... they'll be OK :)

Marla said...

SamiJoe ~ I am so sorry to hear this news. You are both in my prayers this evening.

Ok Granny ~ Thank you for being such a prayer warrior all the time. I appreciate you.

Parsley ~ Thanks so much for always being so kind. My whining is just that...whining.

gayle ~ Yes, volunteering is a very joyful thing for me. I love being a part of something bigger than my measly problems.

QueenSize ~ We are never really alone. We just think we are sometimes.

justsomethoughts ~ How kind you are.

Mami ~ I'm just whining today. Slap me and tell me to get over it and I'll be just fine.

Diane ~ Thanks and I do believe you are right.

Sarah said...

i hope your sister resumes her spirits to fight with you soon, and good luck on your new job. god bless.

Nicole said...

Denial is a blessing. I am thankful for it daily. :)

Thinking about you...and of course your sister. I email her frequently...

MindyBB said...

Eh hmm, a child of yours going left?!! How is that possible? Is denial survival, I have therapy this Friday I need something to talk about give me more! No really I am! Stop laughing Marla it's true her secretary asked me if i had an idea how long I would be coming I told her until my mother in law was dead, I guess? I figure if I can drum up another label or diagnosis I can get more free visits thru insurance currently I have maladjustment issues- I think! I love you Sister Thelma hang in there! I don't want to grow up either I used to cry thinking about getting old when I was little- and sister well done!

Lily Robinson said...

We have lots in common. Luckily, the eggs we sell provide enough money to feed the chickens, but that's a long way from paying for the horses! Someday when I make a fortune writing books, I'll not worry about money.

Good luck with the AA project. You are Jesus hands and feet.

Sonya said...

I'm so deep in denial it's not even funny. My plate is collapsing from everything thats piled on..Thinking of you and your sister.

honeypiehorse said...

I'm sorry it's a rough time. None of us are where we thought we'd be. It's been a year of set backs. It is remarkable how you keep getting out there and giving instead of giving up.

ModernMom said...

Life can be so difficult...sometimes it is darkest before the dawn. Hope the sun shines on you soon and you have time to just hang with your chicken and horses:)

Mama Zen said...

Denial is my favorite river!

Good luck on the job!

Kate said...

Sounds like you are having a very hard January and wanted to send best wishes and lots of cyber love. Sometimes when everything looks really bleak something really great happens to surprise you. I hope this is one of those time. Am wishing your sister all the best.

Kate xx

Just Playin' said...

Marla, Some times are, well...what can I say. Your profile says your husband thinks you're perfect. I think he's right. It's other people's stuff you're tangled up in. I get it though cause I do it too! Hope you enjoy your new job-- and the Mission AA Group is lucky to have you. Can you come to my house? Hmmm....

Nancy C said...

I hope that the writing gave you an opportunity to process. I know it always helps me.

Sending good thoughts your way...

Marla said...

Sarah ~ Thank you

Nicole ~ Isn't it though?

Mindy ~ You did NOT say until your MIL is dead!! ROFL I love you!!

Lily ~ We do, don't we? That's what I need to do. Write a book. The $3 I would make on that project would surely help, right? lol

Sonya ~ Seems to be an epidemic amongst women

honeypiehorse ~ I can't give up. It would make too many people happy. :-)

ModernMom, Mama Zen & Kate ~ Thank you!

Just Playin ~ Just say when? Although, my sister says I am a little black cloud so be warned. It could be dangerous. :-)

Nancy ~ It always does and thank you