Thursday, December 9, 2010

Large Marge Speaks

I’m sick. Ever since they pulled that rubber hose out of my nose, my head has been full of snot, I can’t breathe and I sound like I smoke three packs a day. And drive a semi. And probably have a CB name like Large Marge. I want my mother.

Anyway, I was talking to my sister Kelly the other day. She called to check on me and give me some phony baloney story about flowers that she and our other sister Charlene supposedly sent that never arrived. Whatever. Way to save on your flower bill, girls. That’s ok because I got some really beautiful bouquets from other people.


Our cousins, Jack and Barbara sent me these with a note saying I was their favorite out of the three of us girls. Ok, they didn’t use those exact words but I read between the lines. I’m good at that.


Then our youngest boy sent me these with the following note.


It reads: "I know I've always been your favorite child but now I'm also the best child because I am the first one who sent you a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I love you, Mom! I can't wait to see you. Love, Andrew and Tori." 
 The kid knows how the game is played. Well done, Andrew.

So, back to the conversation with Kelly. As we were talking, she points out the usual stuff. How her cancer trumps my puny blocked bowel and how her survival is being played out so much better than mine. Oh yeah, it was our typical maximum security asylum conversation.



“So you had a blocked bowel. I have cancer. I saw the Doc today and he even said he couldn’t believe I was still alive.”


“Well, yeah he said that. I was there three years ago when he told you there was no hope and he was an expert on these things. You’re ruining his RBI.”



I then made the mistake of telling her that photos had been taken of me in the hospital and that I would be using them in a post.



“What? Have you lost your mind?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You can’t post those photos. They probably make you look worse than normal.”

“Kelly, seriously, do you not read my blog? Have you never seen me in person? Do you really think I am worried about how I look or what people will think?”

“That’s my point. Marla, listen to me. When I have been at death’s door in my treatments, I still had a brush in one hand and a mascara wand in the other and you know what I was thinking at those times? Do you?”

“Um…”

“I was thinking, where did I go wrong with Marla. Mom and Dad were beautiful. Char and I put a lot of effort into looking good. I mean, what happened with you?”

“Um…”

“I’m serious.”

“I was adopted and really come from the land of Oompa Loompas?”

“Goodbye!”



Oh yeah, one last thing Kelly. Your friend Nicole wrote to me wondering why you are not answering her emails. Don't worry, I didn't tell her about you being jealous of her fabulous body and fabulous house and fabulous life while you have to live in the hollers of Prunetucky with your dogs and turtles and sadly small bosom. You’re welcome.

19 comments:

Brian Miller said...

you are trouble...lol...and i play that same game with my mom...first always...

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

HAHAHAHAHA! you are a riot.

for your congestion - put Vicks (or store brand) on the soles of your feet and put on socks. also, have your wonderful hubby get you a saline rinse pot (or bottle, as they're easier to control) and the salt solution packets. Use warm water - not hot, not cold (definitely not cold) - and rinse out your sinuses. I thought it nasty and gross but it has made a world of difference in my allergy problems.

don't try it with just tap water. it burns the hell out of your sinuses.

Parsley said...

You feel better soon dear...no fun! But you ARE funny!

Sandra said...

There's nothing as satisfying as dissing people via public blog! You go girl!
As for your son, soooo smart, he knows how it's done!

Bette said...

You ARE the funniest!! Thanks!

J.J. in L.A. said...

When I was in the hospital last October, only 1 brother came to see me. Well, my AZ brother came but he was already in town so that doesn't count, right? My sister was there nearly every day but she's a nurse so that doesn't count, right? And mom was there every day but she's a mom so that doesn't count either...right?

Glad you're feeling good enough to try to trump your sister. I do it all the time...and I usually win.

Sonya said...

LOL..u so rock...hope u feel better soon!

Glen said...

you truly are bonkers - love it

Deborah said...

You and your sister rock it and sock it. She's as feisty as you!

Prudence said...

oh my land sakes, do you really talk like that with your sister?? I think maybe I should start talking like that with my sister! I hope your feelng better soon!

TechnoBabe said...

You're a trip. I haven't met many people who while they are down with a huge ghastly hose down their nose can make others laugh. You are one of those people. To me, you look so cute with your half smile and sickly look in the hospital bed. I never looked that good in a hospital bed.

Anonymous said...

Marla....Glad to hear your feeling better!!....Do you think that Kelly aka Mrs. Love might be a wee bit upset with you because you had that life and death coversation with Kurt??? just a thought....
Love Mindy

Mama Zen said...

I held it in until I got to "sadly small bosom." Then, I had to laugh out loud!

Sarah said...

You're sick? I'm sure there nothing a little friendly banter with your sister can't cure. Get well.

Mrs4444 said...

LOL!! Blocked bowel? YIKES!!! So sorry to hear that...

The Duck Herder said...

sheesh!

Nicole said...

God you just kill me. You are so darn funny! I feel so honored being mentioned in your blog. Especially love the nod to my perky breasts. Hee hee hee!

Dawn said...

ROFL!!!! I'm laughing so hard! You always crack me up.

Kristen said...

I love this.... I need a sister like you!