Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Bodily Fluids, Functions & Other Foolishness to Gross You Out

Come on, admit it. There is a blog somewhere out there taking bets on whether or not I would ever come out of this hospital alive. If I would have been able to prove my hypothesis, I would have definitely placed a bet of my own, believe you me. My grandmother died from a blocked bowel. Ok, it was 89 years ago but she’s still dead, y’all.

So, last Thursday, December 2nd, I worked a full day, made a grand dinner which I enjoyed with my family, cleaned up the mayhem they left behind then headed to our bedroom to enjoy a quiet evening with the Bobster. Once showered and snuggled into our comfy bed together, we did what we do almost every night. That’s right. Every. Single. Night. Oh, I can hear your jealous sniggering already. That’s right, we watched Star Trek, Bob started snoring before the Borg had a chance to assimilate the last victim and I grabbed my laptop to write. By the time I was to the grab my laptop stage last Thursday, I was a hurting unit. My gut was in knots and I could barely type. Ok, I can barely type normally but this was different. This was why do I want to drop to the floor and crawl around whimpering so bad I can’t type? After hours of bathroom runs, floor crawling, whimpering, getting back to the laptop, crawling into the bed just long enough to crawl back out of the bed then repeating the cycle again and again and again, I finally woke Bob up at 1:35am, Friday morning. Yes, as a matter of fact I do have an aversion to being sick and even under the imminent threat of death, I still choose to live in complete denial regarding the possibility there could be something wrong with me. Hey, don’t judge me unless your name is Judge Judy, Alex or Marilyn Milan. Ok, maybe I watched too much daytime TV in this place.

Anyway, once I woke Bob up and told him I thought I needed to go to the hospital, we were in the car in less than 5 minutes. Of course, I vacillated between crying out my last wishes and arguing there was nothing wrong with me on the 15 minute drive to Mercy. Once inside the ER, I was whisked into a room, quickly evaluated and then drugged to high heaven. No, seriously, I am pretty sure I saw Kurt Cobain. I seem to even remember having a deep and meaningful discussion about life and death with him. Well, it was either with him or the Cat in the Hat. It’s hard to sort it all out at this point.


"You should not be here, Kurt Cobain. You should not be about. You should not be here when our mother is out."

The next three days are a bit of a blur. I do remember some very lovely, young nurses coming into my room, shoving a rubber hose down my nose, through my throat and into my stomach. I also remember them telling me what a great patient I was, how they had never had the procedure go so well and how much they liked me and my family. I am pretty sure it was at that point that I smiled a drooly, crooked smile and thanked them, all the while thinking how differently they would feel when they one day realized I was a famous writer and would soon be composing a horror trilogy about beautiful, young nurses who take captive a rather overweight, middle-aged famous writer only to perform unspeakable atrocities upon her person whilst sing songing, “Up your nose with a rubber hose.” Oh yeah, I thought it.


Yes, I asked for my laptop, or so they say. Yes, I sat with fingers ready, or so they say. Yes, I was stoned out of my mind, eyes closed and never typed a single letter, or so they say. I'd like to see them try and prove any of it.

I also remember constant visits and phone calls from my children and grandchildren, including our son in the Navy. When I realized that the United States Navy had made special arrangements to put a call from Popeye’s ship all the way on the other side of sanity through to a hospital in Oklahoma City, I knew for sure I must be on my way out. All I could think at that point was, “I wish I had finished the laundry and cleaned out my office better. Oh well.” Oh yeah, and how much I loved God, my family and blogging. Whatever! I was dying people.


Oh sure, I look like the picture of health in my red Christmas jammies but I was on the brink. I could hear angels singing. Ok, maybe that was me snoring but I was still on the precipice people.

Finally, Sunday night when they dragged the rubber hose back out my nose,…now that is an experience you sure don’t want to miss…I knew I was on the right side of the bright light. Speaking of bright lights, some people might need to have it explained to them that when a person, like say, their wife, is laying in a hospital bed dying with a rubber hose up their nose, it really isn’t that funny to turn lights on and off behind the bed and ask the hosed spouse if they can see the light. I’m just saying.


There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like...


Anywho, here I am sitting in my hospital bed, coherently drinking a caramel macchiato and typing away on my laptop. Cat scans, upper and lower GIs, blood work and other bodily invasions behind me. Behind me. Get it? Nevermind. There are more tests scheduled for next week . Something about lesions on my liver. Sounds like a country drinking song to me but whatever, I’ll play along. Soon Bob will be here and I will be headed home. You know the first thing I plan on doing when I get there? The laundry and cleaning my office. Right after I thank God for my family and friends.


Poor little stoner. You seemed so normal one time long ago. Or not.

PS…Molly is a little, skinny liar. I did not cry when she read all your comments to me. I had a rubber hose up my nose people. It would make your eyes water too.



28 comments:

Coby said...

I'm so glad you're okay! Seriously, when I first heard about your bowel blockage, and that you weren't knocking on death's door, I thought, "Thank goodness she's going to get better! We have to have coffee and margaritas during this lifetime!"

Love you!

Parsley said...

I know there are more tests etc but I'm sooooo glad you are home. I was gonna come see you and MAKE you better but I see your kids did it for me. HUGS and know I'll continue praying!

Blasé said...

Star Trek is where we part ways...

But do you like Bonanza?!

So glad you were in good hands from Drs to family and friends.

Follow Dr orders...and Bob's

Delirious said...

Okay, no more blockages...you hear me?!! And no more lesions or any other weird growths! Don't make me come yank on that tube in your nose!

Praying for you! :)

J.J. in L.A. said...

When I read 'bowel obstruction', I had flashbacks to last October and my own rubber hose up my nose. I'm tellin' ya, girl...I felt for ya!!!

Glad you're feeling better but make someone ELSE do the laundry! You have the perfect excuse!

Sonya said...

You're home..and doing ok :) Im soooo happy for you!! As always your post made me laugh..only you can make a bowel obstruction sound funny when you describe it all and everything you went through..lol

Please take care of yourself and I'll be thinking of you :)

Glen said...

fantastic news - you mad old bafoon!

I'm very glad you are on the mend especially because I noticed your front step isn't as well scrubbed as it could be, perhaps you could take a look...

really though - big smiles here :-)

Did you ask Curt what the hell he was thinking about with Cortney? I mean come on?

"When ever I'm feeling grumpy or sad,
It's because I live with a dirty old slag" As the cat once said..

Brian Miller said...

ok i almost gagged at the pulling out of the tube...lol. i am so glad you are feeling and doing better...prayers for continued recovery...

Amarja said...

Owhhh nooo Marla I did not know about this. I am thankfull you are doing well. I did try to call you several time on your cellphone. I had the urge to speak to you. Figures! Love you and be well soon!

aLmYbNeNr said...

I'm so glad you're back! It's nice to hear from you and to hear that you're on the mend. I hope everything will be better now and that next week's tests go smoothly!

Parsley said...

Ohh...Marla. Forgot to tell you that DD and I are H-U-G-E Star Trek fans. The first Star Trek and the Next Generation are our FAVS!

I would so seriously come see you!!! Oh....Hey....want to come over for a party Friday the 17th. Just a handful of people with pot luck snacks and a 'Dirty Santa' game. (Hubs doesn't do crowds but what will 2 more do?! hehe)

By then you'll be back to 'normal' right?

Still praying. Woke up thinking about you and prayed more.

Andrea said...

Marla - take it easy. Seriously! Rest & recover. So glad you're home...prayers for you.

Deborah said...

Alright - it was worth it to talk with Curt right?

Woman! You are a rock star.

Formerly known as Frau said...

Yeah! I'm so happy you are home and rubber hose gone! I hope you listen to your doctor and are a good patient! (hugs) to you and a speedy recovery!

Two Shades of Pink said...

OK. I will give you the obligatory "I prayed for you and I am so glad you are home" but then I need to address my very very rare laughing out loud moments throughout this post. Kurt and the Cat, up your nose with a rubber hose, but Bob messing with the lights did me in! Your spontaneous quips are way funny. And though it seems these country music song lesions are still another hill to climb, I know God is in all of this. And I am still praying! I love you dear Marla. And I love how your blog title is so fitting with all this. It's like your life has a theme. :)

Matty said...

Flicking the lights? LOL What a great sense of humor Bob has.

The best part of this whole post is that you're back and looking better than ever.

Okie Book Woman said...

It was fun to hear your version of all this! So glad you're recovering!

Prudence said...

Marla, you are so funny! but seriously, what is the matter with you? Are you going to be ok? all joking aside....
I will still pray.

Lily Robinson said...

As always, you made me laugh! I can imagine being on death's door and wishing I had cleaned off my desk! So glad you're doing better. Hope all the tests reveal the only abnormality is your sense of humor... and I love that!

And I might as well apologize now... I thought the flicking lights story was funny. Sorry.

Monkey Man said...

Welcome back to health, oh yeah, and to blogland, too. Great ot hear from you.

Nicole said...

Sounds like a really fun way to pass a few days and get out of taking care of that large brood of yours!

All kidding aside, take care of yourself and keep us all posted on your health.

I've emailed Kelly a bunch and haven't heard back from her....

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

so glad that you're doing better.
the tube down the nose would have done me in. i CANNOT stand to have the feeling of fullness or congestion in my sinuses. they would have had to sedate me. no kidding. {big horrendous shudder}

appreciate all of your comments on my blog today. you have been busy catching up! take it easy and rest though. don't want to overdu it.

gayle said...

So glad you are doing ok! Good luck on your tests! Hope you are taking it easy!

Mrs4444 said...

This is flipping awesome (sorry, but I laughed a lot, as is my way). I'm really glad you're okay, poor thing!

Dawn said...

I'm so glad you are okay. Amazing how you can be funny even on your death bed. LOL!

I had to read your post to my husband. We were laughing so hard at your little cat in the hat cobain lines.

Unknown Mami said...

So happy to hear you are recovering. Obviously there was no blockage to your sense of humor.

I love you, don't you dare get sick again. Not allowed.

Kristen said...

How I missed YOU, your amazing attitude, your humor..... Around December 3 or 4th I was standing outside, and I thought - huh, I wonder where my Marla has been? Vacation maybe?, Holiday Shopping?, Gave up blogging for the circus? Then I ready the blog post from your adorable daughter (in law?) A few days later (don't be offended it took me so long) I was standing outside and I am not a big religious person, I said a prayer for you. I said it to my Nannie and Poppies who are in heaven together and I believe they make everything wrong in the world alright again. I am so glad you are back.....

ladiva said...

HEY
Thought you should know your images have been stolen to be used in a internet scam.