Thursday, December 16, 2010

I Am A Total Loser

I am a loser. No, really, a total complete loser. As in twenty la di freakin da pounds loser. That’s right, my blocked bowels gave me the Christmas gift of my dreams: a twenty pound loss of blubber-rama. Oh yeah, I am doing the happy dance and I can even do it without as much huffin and a puffin as a few months back. Yeah, doggie!






See for yourself. This is me just a month ago during the entire pooping chicken scandal. Had I no shame? No sense of decency? No deodorant?






This is me minus TWENTY FREAKING POUNDS! Get thee behind me blubber butt and hence forth never to return remain in the realm of blocked boweldom forever. Amen and amen.






So, if a rubber hose up one side of my nose was good for twenty pounds, I was wondering if two rubber hoses up both sides of my nose would be good for forty pounds? Hmmmm. It could work. After looking around the house, I have not been able to come up with any kind of hoses that will fit up my noses so I supposes I might try two straws.



I am so excited! I looked on the internet and they actually make FAT straws. I'm shoving two of these puppies up my nose and sitting back while they suck the fat right out of me. Oh, I will so do it.


Have I mentioned I LOST TWENTY POUNDS??? Do you have any idea what twenty pounds looks like? Well, do ya?

It looks like this.



And this.



And sometimes this.




And even this.



But on me, it looked like this.




But now it has gone and that means I look like this.




You may now applaud my blocked bowels.



The end.



32 comments:

Matty said...

I'm sure you've heard the old saying that God works in mysterious ways. And sometimes we just don't understand how or why. But there's always a lesson to be learned.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

And oh by the way....you look mahhhhh-velous.

Oklahoma Granny said...

I really am happy for you. Sorry you had to loose it the way you did, but happy for you just the same. Let me know how that straw thing works out.

Parsley said...

You are one funny gal! Okay...pass the nose hose please. I need to loose about 10 pounds!

Wanderlust said...

Well, that procedure came with a nice little booty prize, didnt it? A little booty!

You look great!! xo

Delirious said...

Woot Woot Woot! I was ill a couple of months ago and I lost weight. But now that I'm feeling better I think I am starting to gain it back. :S

I think the only way I could lose 20 pounds fast would be to cut off my head. Groan... I know it's an oldy, but it's a goody. ;)

Coby said...

Hurray for blocked bowels! You could totally market this as a new diet!!! You look great, and thanks for the laugh! Glad to see your feeling better!

The Duck Herder said...

*applaud* *applaud*

what ever it takes!

although, really...........


hee hee, you make me laugh.

Not So Simply Single said...

Good for you! I think you are hilarious! I think losing 20 pounds is AMAZING!

I saw your post on Blase's blog, really funny today!

Merry Christmas...and keep up the good work!

Lisa

J.J. in L.A. said...

You look GREAT!!!!!

Unfortunately, when my appetite came back so did the 20 pounds. And all in my thighs. *sigh*

What's your secret???

Glen said...

Happy Christmas - looking great :-)

TechnoBabe said...

Applaud, applaud. Sorry you were ill but hey, twenty friggin pounds!! Cool.

Brian Miller said...

nice..you come through the surgery not just good, but great...nice plus,,,

Deborah said...

You'll do anything to lose a few!

;)

That's the good that came with the bad. Not bad!

smooches

Blasé said...

You know that you and I will always be 'tight' with each other no matter what size you are...

But, I do like the new look!

It won't be easy to stay that way (just ask JJ in LA), but I trust you will be determined to take care of yourself while you are now ahead of the game.

Mommy Lisa said...

Good for your butt! ;)

Nicole said...

That is awesome!!! Congrats my friend!

Shelley said...

Congrats!

Joanna Jenkins said...

I'm with Matty!!! Every cloud has a silver lining and you look FANTASTIC!!!!

High Five and Merry Christmas!
xo jj

PS Stop by, I'm having a giveaway.

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

you look great but i wouldn't take a tube down my nose for 20 pounds off my bod... nope... no way... no day...

gayle said...

I want to do what you did but without the pain! Congrats!

Enchanted Oak said...

Where have I been for the past two weeks? What do I find when I back by here? The whole Marla world is topsy turvy. It was a hard way to lose weight. I have a theory about steroids, too. They are marvelous! Everything was so wonderful when I was on them last month for pneumonia! Then they stop the steroids, and you hit a brick wall. It took two weeks of sleeping to get over the steroid blues. And that's the way they keep pill addicts disinterested in steroids.
My prayers still go up to the Almighty for you, the tests, your recovery. Better late than never.

Sandra said...

That is quite the accomplishment! Congrats! Good for you for acknowledging how terrific that is. Your body thanks you...AND let's get down to the very important stuff: you look fabulous!

Mrs4444 said...

Almost makes it worth it, huh?! I'm happy for you :) You look great!

Kirby3131 said...

I hope that you feel better - goodness! 20 pounds is a lot of weight to no longer lug around :)

Kristin _ The Goat

Kristen said...

You look amazing!! I'm jealous! That is even sicker than your applauding a bowel obstruction... Women are SICK and that makes the rest of us sicker. I was kind of hoping for a good flu before January 1st to kick start THE 10th YEAR OF STARTING A DIET AND NEVER COMPLETING IT. Cheers!

Katharine said...

woohoo!You look great, glad you are well...I just might look into the straws...

Sarah said...

It's probaby just me, but I thought you looked great either way. Now let's hope the twenty pounds stay off for health sake and not the blocked bowels sake. :)

The Everyday Mommy said...

Congratulations!! A heck of a way to do it but now that you are there... celebrate away!!

Happy Holidays. Visiting from the sampling today!

Kfred said...

In the spirit of complete and honest disclosure, I want to address the, ahem, 800 pound gorilla in the room:

Are you now saying you are no longer full of it?

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Wow, you look more gorgeous than ever, Marla. Congratulations.
I'm so sorry for yours and your sister's trials.
Keeping you both in my heart and prayers.
Someday, we'll get together and paint the town red. xo

Far Side of Fifty said...

I need me some of those fat straws too..Lordy girl 20 pounds..way to go that hose up your nose was totally worth it:)

Amarja said...

OK! And now I am waiting for you to tell us how you lost 20 pounds because I have gained 20 pounds. No worries, I am not pregnand, but I am in need of good advice: HOW DID YOU DO THAT! (Btw: do you notice that I am happy for you but also jealous! :) )