Tuesday, May 11, 2010

This One's For You, Kelly Jeanne

A few weeks ago, I posted this wonderful confession about my moron sister being the cause of my suppressed emotions. Ok, maybe it's not actually wonderful and maybe we are both morons. You decide.

Anyway, here is my revenge follow-up post. Hey, she's not your sister. You have no idea. Don't judge me.

Ok Kelly, as promised, here is my post thoughtfully and painstakingly prepared with you in mind. I know you are “getting the jitters” but remember what Dr. McDreamy said. Without the surgery, paralysis is guaranteed and who wants that? Not me. If that happened, you would have to come live with me so I could take care of you. That alone should make you dance into the surgical suite. I mean, if you lived with me well…..let me put it in Lettermanesque form.


1. White Trash Cooking ~

Face it. If you lived with me it would be a daily diet of white trash cooking. Gone would be the days of fresh fruits and veggies straight from the fields of California. There would be no more Monterey Bay fresh fish lightly grilled with just a sprig of rosemary. Nope. It’d be biscuits and gravy for breakfast, fried chicken, mashed taters and gravy with fried okra for lunch and fried catfish with gravy, corn pones and corn on the cob for dinner. Did I mention the gravy? Of course, we’d have a Jello cake for dessert and don’t forget the sweet tea at every meal. Yum Doggie!

2. No dentists ~

Dentists? In Oklahoma? Be serious! You’d never have to worry about brushing or flossing again.

3. Hair and Makeup ~

Remember the last time you put me in charge of your hair and make-up? Twelve years ago? Right after your first brain surgery? I believe you said something about making sure you looked good when all your humble servants came by to bask in your glory. After all, you were a big wheel in the IBM machine. We couldn’t have you looking like…..well, like you lived in Oklahoma, for heaven sake.

4. Clothes ~

I know you love the movie Mean Girls. Ok, that alone creeps me out. Anyway, remember that one special line? “Sorry, we only carry sizes 1, 3 and 5. You should try Sears.” Yeah, that one. If you lived with me it would be a guaranteed Sears wardrobe you’d be wearing. Sears is the Oklahoma version of Nordstroms. It’s for the uppity okie. Now seriously, how would you ever live that one down?

5. Wal Mart Runs ~

Sometimes, when I forget to do the laundry, I have been known to put clothes on that may not fit me exactly right. Then, I run to Wal Mart just to get a few things like deodorant, jerky and Pabst Blue Ribbon. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. So, if you lived with me, well, I might accidentally squeeze myself into your clothes for a Wal Mart run. It wouldn’t be pretty.

6. Wheelchair Races ~

I’d probably do something crazy like enter you in the wheelchair race at the county fair. I know we could win but you’d go to whining about tipping over or some such nonsense. Like the time we were in San Francisco and I wanted to let go of you at the top of Ghirardelli Square so you could roll down the hill and wave at all the people inside the ice cream store as you whizzed by. Of course, you protested even though I had the girls ready at the bottom of the hill to catch you. Sometimes, you are just no fun at all.

7. Vacation ~

We no longer have the wheelchair accessible van. The tornado got it, remember? We do have the mini van and the big, old diesel truck, however. That would mean tying you to the top of the van or using bungees to strap you into the bed of the truck for vacation. Now, how would your hair look after riding to Arkansas for vacations in the back of a diesel pick up? Seriously! And don’t forget our poor old neighbor Violet. Remember what happened to her when dad stuck her and mom in the back of a truck filled with all those little girls? Seeing her fall off her lawn chair and her head come off when dad slammed on the breaks was just horrific. Ok, it was only her wig but how were we to know? We were only little girls. Screaming, traumatized little girls. Moving on…..

8. John Wayne ~

You would be forced to watch John Wayne movies. All. Day. Long. Did I mention Oklahoma is the proud home of the Cowboy Hall of Fame? We would take you there on Sundays for worship services.

9. What Ever Happened? ~

Ok, you already know where I’m going with this one. I can’t help myself. How many sisters can say their favorite movie since early childhood is What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? This may explain a lot about what is wrong with the two of us. Think about it. Anyway, if you lived with me you know darn well, we would end up fighting and then I would be forced to serve Harley to you on a silver platter and I love that bird. It just would all be so wrong.

10. Buh Bye ~

Let’s think for a moment about all the people who have moved in with me or I moved in with them so I could take care of them:

Aunt Sisi ….dead.

Bob’s mom, Lucy….dead.

Our mom….dead.

Uncle Louie….dead.

Our dad….dead.

Face it. My track record for keeping people alive is nothing to brag about. Save yourself. Have the surgery. You’ll thank me later.


Gucci Mama said...

I still haven't stopped laughing. And strangely, I kind of want to move in with you...;)

Brian Miller said...

oh my...lol.

Two Shades of Pink said...


Parsley said...

Had to drop by again and make a confession. The picture of the woman at walmart is...me.

TechnoBabe said...

Hey, I love okra and fried chicken and catfish! I'm there. I even like John Wayne. So if she doesn't move in with you, I will!

Nicole said...

Holy cow, I strangely want to move in with you too!

Glad you are going to Houston btw. :) You are a great sister.

I talked to KP or I guess she is KS now...doesn't have the same ring, but whatever...I digress, I texted with her this morning when they were enroute to the aeropuerto. She was nervous. I told her to breathe deep and do what I do - which is drink a few spicy Bloody Mary's, pop a few Xanax and call it a day - but I resorted to my plan B which was deep breaths and some Junior Mints.

Rae said...

Girl you got a one woman comedy routine going on here. You convinced me to have surgery and I don't even need it.

Lindsay said...

HAHAHA, I loved it! thanks for the laugh! I think we all wanna move in with you!

Oklahoma Granny said...

You are too funny girl. Laughter is the best medicine.

Mike Golch said...

the way I feel right now,I'm sorry that my "neice" allensan is a lawyer in Oklahomla city.No one deserves you "smart ass".

Together We Save said...

Oh my!! Very funny!!

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

you crack me up! this is the way to approach the stress that life sometimes hands out. i'll come live with you. hehehehe!


no, i'm not.

Coby said...

You are SO flippin' funny! Like Parsley said, "humor is the only way to deal with this kind of stress...otherwise we'd all be crazy!" Sometimes the alternative to laughter is having a breakdown that you might not get up from.

You've coined a golden phrase that I have to find a way to incorporate into my life: "uppity Okie." Love it.

Keep us laughing like this and you'll have folks lined up to live with you!

Sarah said...

that walmart picture is priceless!

justsomethoughts... said...

1. that’s good reason in itself
2. yech
3. I have no comment
4. catcalls catcalls catcalls
5. in my clothes? Wouldn’t be pretty.
6. I don’t see anything wrong with that
7. yeah. I remember ol’ violet…
8. you say it like it’s a bad thing
9. I don’t know so I cant comment
10. good call.

good stuff

i'm on my way

Ms. Anthropy said...

Marla, Marla, Marla... can I please be your sister? I'm in need of a lobotomy and you are just the person to convince me to go for it, or else.

Did you have any problems with the recent tornadoes? Lord, I hope not.

aLmYbNeNr said...

Marla, this is just TOO good! Laughter is the best medicine and you are able to provide it! You are strong and your sister is strong. I will have Kelly in my thoughts.

Silver Strands said...

You are absolutely hilarious! Oh man!!!! I laughed and laughed ... you are an incredible sister!!!! First I clicked on your blog to say a BIG thank you for your INCREDIBLY KIND words to me - but I got so caught up in your post that that's all I can think about now. I'm definitely a fan! (and your most recent follower!)

gayle said...

I am cracking up!!

Lola Sharp said...

Marla, oh how I love how you use humor to face the scary, the stressful, and the sad. You have a gift, my friend.

FYI, Lola LOVES whitetrash fixin's! I'm hungry now.

Love this post, as always...and I hope her surgery goes well.


Auntie Cake said...

Marla I needed a good laugh today. And I was going to do a post on "Top ten reasons why I shouldn't be allowed to babysit your kids" for Libbie and Rach. I still need to dig out a few more pics, but much the same format as your post.

I know you are worried about your sis. I have been praying!

Okie Book Woman said...

Now that is one hilarious post! You have such a gift for humor. Kelly is lucky to have you as her sister. (And she should appreciate the good food you cook. That's upity Okie food at its finest.)

Unknown Mami said...

How'd you get that picture of me in Walmart? Now everyone will know what I look like.

Marla said...

Parsley ~ Thank you! Now, please put some clothes on.

Nicole ~ I am here and ready to send you some fodder.

Denalee ~ Welcome to the madness!

Brian Miller said...

He is still right there...
you did not lose Him...

Mrs4444 said...

omg-you're funny.

But you don't love your sister at all, do you?! Poor thing; Kelly.

Lily Robinson said...

I totally love your brain! Kelly is so lucky to have a sis like you. You tell her I said so!