Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Try To Pharisee It My Way

A few days ago, I posted this. It was the honest ramblings of my searching heart. I received some encouraging and concerned responses, including some emails from people I love who are very concerned about my state of thinking. Honestly, this surprised me because I didn’t think what I wrote was all that shocking. Actually, I can think of other things I have written that should have had people calling the loony bin for an immediate delivery of a straightjacket. Anyway, I have been thinking about how to honestly answer so, here are some of my answers as honest as I know how to be.

My cousin Cher wrote ~

So now a pastor? Hugs to you, maybe you are just having a tough time transitioning, losing your parents, Living with adult children (that alone will make you look at yourself as if you are crazy)it also could be that they make you think you are. Also Kelly is getting ready for another MD appointment. This will pass so again I am sending hugs and wishing you happy reflecting or should I say transitioning which ever way that sends you. EAT CHOCOLATE. Love ya cuz, Cher

My response ~

A pastor? Are you crazier than I am? Haven’t I screwed up enough people’s lives without you encouraging me to lead a flock straight over a cliff? You are right though. Dad’s one year dead anniversary is fast approaching and this orphan thing is not working for me. My parents are so selfish, leaving me here alone to deal with life. I’m not ready to be left alone. I’m not. Stupid parents anyway. Who needs them? Me…. whimper, whimper. The adult children living with us….yeah. They are great. No, really, they are. Actually, they are the favorites of ours out of the entire litter. Did I mention they read this blog? As for Kelly and her cancer and constant trips to MDA in order to keep breathing….again, selfish. What about me? Doesn’t she realize I have needs to? Did I mention she is my favorite sister? I can’t remember if we are speaking this week and she may be reading this.

One last thing, about the EAT CHOCOLATE command. What is wrong with you damn Swiss women? Food does not fix everything. My emotional needs will not be met through overfilling my stomach. Have you learned nothing from our mother’s mistakes of the past? Now, I am so upset thinking about our dead mothers, I can no longer respond to your comment. Going to make a meatloaf and a chocolate cake. I’m feeling very hungry all of a sudden. Love you!

JJ wrote ~

I realized that I don't have to believe in organized religion to believe in God.

My response ~

That’s exactly what I am talking about, JJ. I have been a part of organized religion my entire life. Well, except the six years I was a part of sex, drugs and rock and roll. Damn ‘70s! I just don’t think I want to DO church anymore. I want to BE the church. I am ready for a real relationship with God based on what He says, not what people are telling me I have to believe. If the churches can’t even agree on who God is or what He wants, how do I even choose who to listen to? Why is it wrong to want to listen to what God says instead? James 1:27 says, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” That’s what I want. True religion from God’s view. I’m not against going to church. I like going to church. I just don’t think we know as much as we think we do.

Brian Miller wrote ~

many would say questioning is bad...honestly i love it...for me, in reading your words the problem is in equating it to trying hard to be really good which has something but not necessarily the most important thing to me in my spirituality. if it was i would be in a lot of trouble. it would be like saying you tied hard to do things for your hubby, not necessarily with him. and i imagine that would get old pretty quick. let us know about your journey...i look forward to reading and riding along...

My response ~

Right Brian! I am beginning to see that God isn’t asking me to be good, He is asking me to just be, as in be still and let him be God so I don’t have to be. You know I think I am Him sometimes and therefore I simply must control everything. I know, I need therapy. Anyway, just being is so much harder than I ever realized.

Nicole wrote ~

…I finally gave up on the books and decided that I am me, good and bad. Happy, sad, really pissed off and the life of the party…I do believe that you can believe in something greater and not have to be religious. Or part of a religion. I also believe that it shouldn't define you…Dig deep to find what you believe. And make it for you, not for anyone else.

My response ~

I would dare to say we have probably given up on some of the same books but you are right, Nic, we have got to get to the place of accepting who we are, just like we are, the good and the bad. God made us, He knew what He was doing, and there is a purpose for every bit of the crazy in us. That, I believe! As for the religious part, I don’t ever want to be religious again. I want to be real. The Pharisees were religious. Jesus was real. Big difference from my view. I have made a much better Pharisee than reflection of Christ for most of my adult life and it has defined me. I differ with you a bit on this point. I think what we believe, no matter what it is, does tend to define us whether we like it or not. I just want to make sure that the things that are the definition of me are accurate. Digging deep…for me!

Ain’t for city gals wrote ~

You know when we start hitting menopause we lose all that wonderful estrogen and we just don't want to caretake or nurture anymore…The word GUILT is no longer in your vocabulary!…Our brains really do get re-wired.

My response ~

What?? This is just menopause? Well, for heavens sake, somebody send me some estrogen already!! Seriously though, I did the menopause thing years ago due to an emergency hysterectomy at 30. I am pretty sure this crazy is just the real me.

Teresa wrote ~

have you been reading my mind??? we are definitely on the same wavelength in many areas...When you find the answers, let me know what "we" found. OK???

My response ~

I will let you know what I find but you better be letting me know what you find. We are all on this sinking ship together, sister!

Kfred wrote ~

You are NOT going to make me repost my reply to you when you are down, are you? You remember, the one where I pledge, among other things, to help:

When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories
about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

I do these things because I like you (and i don't even know you!)

Imagine what would happen if I knew you.

My response ~

You would make a great pastor!

Marie wrote ~

Okay Girlfriend, pull up those big girl panties and give up that guilt thang! YOU, are an amazing person....and somewhat of a masochist...sorry, someone had to point it out ;)…Kids will come and go…remember who has taken care of you all these years and never left you....regardless of your insistence to torture yourself in any way possible...just sayin :)

My response ~

I so seriously love you. I absolutely, positively love you. Why did I ever move so far away from you, my beautiful, tall, skinny, blond, dear friend? Was it so people would stop thinking we were twins? I don’t know. Anyway, thank you for slapping some sense into me. Guilt is a waste of time, much like dieting. Both will eventually kill me if I don’t wise up. It’s the masochist in me. I need to be nicer to me. I just tend to get on my nerves so very often. I can be quite annoying…but you already know that. As for the revolving kids…go already! You’re right as usual though. I do know who has taken care of me and never left me. Thanks for reminding me. I love you, Marie!


Balazs & Leah said...

That is the best title EVER! You are awesome! That's all God wants Marla, your heart.
Love you

Brian Miller said...

cant figure out how to throw rocks through a blog comment...smiles. love the answers and i guess you can see you are cared for...not that you did not know that...but...i think we could all use a little therapy...smiles.

Glen said...


Delirious said...

I was watching a tv program that talked about how we move through different phases in our lives. The phase they talked about for our life is the phase where we begin looking outside ourselves and want to help others. I think the feelings you are having are normal for a woman our age. :) I have to admit that lately I've really been questioning my religiosity too. I do believe in my religion, I'm not turning away from that, but I'm questioning my ability to really live it. I think I've developed some really bad personality traits that don't really match up with my religious beliefs. But because I have been busy doing my church work and doing all of the "outward" things, I felt I was doing okay. Now I"m at the age where I'm realizing that even though I do many of the right things, I need to BECOME the right person. So that's my religious goal for the year. :)

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Marla, I just want to give you a hug - not because I pity you, not because want to teach you about God (I'm a Jewish girl, though it sounds like we're really close to the same page on the religion front), nor because I think you need therapy. It's because I want some of that chocolate! Plus, I think you are awesome!

The Good Cook said...

I went back and read the original post, then the comments, now your responses.

Try this: just for today tell yourself and the universe, "I am enough" "Just the way I am, I am enough" then believe it.

SY said...

It's good to see that so many people care about you

Anonymous said...

Of course we are twins!! We just choose to torture ourselves in different, I like to see if I can climb to 10,000 ft, stand in front of a lightening bolt with a 50lb (metal frame) back pack to see if it would hit me. You, on the other hand, prefer to have other people flog you.

You are a super star, my hero, nut case, and I miss you dearly...come home!!!!!

Your identical twin,

Mrs4444 said...

I agree with you so much on this:

"let him be God so I don’t have to be"

I think it's that simple; He just wants us to let Him take care of us. It's so simple, and yet we so often forget! Let go and let God..Some would argue that if we went to church more often, we wouldn't forget. Of course, I don't listen to that!haha