Thursday, September 30, 2010

Baby You Can Drive My Car

My dad had the ability to drive me crazy. No, seriously. I am talking absolutely out of my mind, over the edge, certifiable loony tunes crazy. I don’t think he did it on purpose and he also didn’t do it all in one big push over the sanity edge. No, it was a slow drip, day after day…after day…after day…after day… We are talking Groundhog Day here!

One of the things out of the many the old coot would do is announce upcoming sights every time we were driving in the car. Sounds cute…and sweet…and old man darling, right? It was…the first 847 times. After that, I needed a valium just thinking about those daily trips we took.

We would get in the car and the conversation would go like this…every…single…time.

“Be careful backing up out of this driveway. Do you want me to back the car out of the garage for you so you don’t hit anything?”

“Um, no dad, thanks but I think I can handle it.”

“Suit yourself.”

Then we would head down the street.

“You’re driving awfully fast. There are little kids on the street. You better be careful.”

“I’m only going 20 miles an hour, dad. You watch for the little kids. They’re worth 20 points each.”

“Ah, don’t start that foolishness again. 20 points. What’s wrong with you?”

“Indeed, what is wrong with me?”

That would get his mind off the road and onto what was wrong with me long enough for us to reach the highway. Then, the actual FUN would begin.

“See that cemetery? It’s a Mexican cemetery.”

“Dad, that is not a Mexican cemetery. It’s a cemetery for anybody that’s dead. They only discriminate if you’re still breathing.”

“Whatever.” …………. “Look at those cows! I use to have a ranch with 1,000 head of cattle. Do you remember that?”

“No because you didn’t. You had 100 baby calves that we had to bottle feed. I know because I slept in the barn with them.”

“You’re crazy!”

“Yes, I am. Next point.”

“Morgan Road…County Line…Council Road…Rockwell Avenue …there’s a Taco Bell…Home Depot…IHOP…Did I ever tell you about the time I was in Tijuana and I created the Caesar Salad?”

Yep, these are the all too true conversations I enjoyed with my dad every time we got in the car which was every day. I never thought I’d say this but I really missed those drives to the edge of insanity after he died. Then I met Jesse. Jesse is my 93 year old friend. We hang out four times a week and go driving quite often. Here is today’s vehicular conversation between Jesse and me.

“Be careful backing up out of this driveway. Do you want me to back the car out of the garage for you so you don’t hit anything?”

“Um, no Jesse, thanks but I think I can handle it.”

“Alright then.”

“You’re driving awfully fast. If a cop sees ya, you‘ll get a ticket. You better be careful.”

“I’m only going 25 miles an hour, Jesse. The speed limit is 25 so I’m good.”

“You’re good? I didn’t ask if you were good. I said ya need to slow down.”

“Indeed, what is wrong with me? Slowing down…”

Once we reached the highway, the actual FUN began.

“See those cows? Oh no, you can‘t see em cuz you‘re driving so fast.”

“I’m doing 50 in a 55 zone. That’s not really fast, silly.”

“Well, drive 35 in here. That’s what I do so I can enjoy the scenery. Look at those horses over there.”

“Now Jesse, if I drive 35 in a 55 zone, I will get arrested and sent to prison for driving too slow. You don‘t want me to go to prison do you?”

“Prison? Well, I’ll be! You’re funny!”

“Yes, I am. Next point.”

“There‘s a red roof…Now, that’s a green roof… Well, I’ll be, look at that blue roof. Did I ever tell you about the time I was in Hawaii and Don Ho took me to dinner?”

I can’t wait for my turn in the passenger seat. Did I ever tell you about the time….


J.J. in L.A. said...

'What goes around, comes around' as they say. : )

When I got into the car with my dad, he'd tap the brakes (hard) and say, "Oops! Ants" like when you're a kid and don't want to step on them. It was never cute or sweet, or old man darling. It was annoying. lol!

Brian Miller said... it. you will get your turn...

Parsley said...

Love this! Yep....I think I've seen that driver going 35 in a 55 ;-)

Glen said...

your time will come - patience - one day soon you shall be in that seat!

Monkey Man said...

Too funny. You will soon be able to drive your own kids crazy. Or are you doing it already?

Mommy Lisa said...

Oh MY. I can't wait to tell about the time Greg Brader - I mean Barry Williams - felt me up!

oh...I just did. ;)

Badger said...

I know this man. How can that be?

Unknown Mami said...

My mom is going to be so excited when I tell her your dad created the Caesar salad. She is always telling me about how it was invented in Tijuana.

SY said...

ya... revenge is a dish served karmatically lol!!!

yes, I just made a word up

Sarah said...

One thing is for sure: your imaginary stories will be a lot more interesting than theirs.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Oy, this reminds me of my road trips with an ex boyfriend. Not pleasant at all! I'm so very sorry!

Coby said...

I'd pay money to see someone driving you around in a car when you're 93. ;-)

Enchanted Oak said...

I never got to drive my dad around. He never got to be old. I drove my mother around a lot, though. As Alzheimer's took more of her words away, she said some pretty funny things, and I tried to remember them and write them down later, they were that unique. You made me remember those drives with a smile. Thank you.

gaelikaa said...

Sounds like fun, though! Ah memories!

Matty said...

Funny how it drives us nuts, and then we miss them when they're gone. Just think, you get the right to do that too some day.

Emily said...

I think you met Jesse for a reason! My grandmother used to have this annoying habit of asking me what town we were in every few miles. When I would say I'm not sure she would say, "What, this is where you live and you don't know all the towns?"