Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Naked Men, Lotto Tickets and Heat Induced Celibacy

Life is just stinky sometimes. Like now for instance. The temperature today was 107. It was about the same last week and isn’t looking much better for next week. Of course, being Hansens, this means that something incredible just had to happen. It is our fate or as my sister likes to say, “You guys are nothing but little black clouds.” Anyway, our AC bit the dust, bought the farm, kicked the bucket, breathed it’s last. It’s kaput to the tune of $6500. Well, that isn’t happening. So we are embracing the wet dog look with accompanying smell and wearing it proudly. Ok, maybe not proudly but I’m seriously trying to find a bright side. Work with me.

Having a $6500 need means I need to get another job. I’m good with that. I am a hard worker, dedicated and loyal to my employer. My references are excellent and I am willing to do what it takes to be the best in my field, whatever that field might be. So what field did I apply in? Senior care giving. I am a good caregiver. I like old, smelly people and I am fearless when it comes to dealing with bodily stuff. There is just one little drawback. I do not want to bathe naked men. I have bathed enough male nakedness to last me a life time and I still have one non-female left in this house that likes to display his nakedness on a daily basis. Enough already!

So, I applied, was clear, concise and honest about my willingness to bathe women and my lack of willingness to bathe men. I succinctly stated I would cook, clean, run errands, play cards, drive to fallen arches meetings, any old, smelly men they threw my direction. I would NOT however, bathe them. “No problem”, I was told. “Let’s get you into training and get you working.” Sounds good, right? Well, training was a blast. I was, as usual, the life of the party and had the trainer laughing and loving me from the get go. What could go wrong, right? My first assignment was with two smelly, young, men. That’s right, smelly, young, men. I was to cook, clean and BATHE THEM! “Not happening,” I said. “I told you this in the interview. I told you I didn’t want to waste your time or mine. No bathing men!” So, I am back to sitting in my sweltering house, looking for a job. I am seriously considering marketing our home as a sauna. It could work.

Tonight, as I was looking through the classifieds and brainstorming possibly starting another business, Bob reached in his pocket and pulled out a Powerball ticket. We never buy lottery tickets so I was rather shocked. When I asked him why he would waste $2 on a lottery ticket, he said it was either that or a candy bar and he figured a lottery ticket had a better chance of paying for a new AC unit. Too bad because I could have seriously used a Snickers today.

Anyway, here we are pretty much naked, laying on top of our bed. Sounds like a good time in the making, right? The reality is, the naked guy next to me better keep his wet dog sweaty paws to himself tonight. The only thing I am willing to cuddle up next to is the Dollar General fan humming sweet nothings at my feet. It’s gonna be another long night.


Silver Strands said...

How can your misfortunes make me laugh so much Marla?!?

Ok - I was out of town when the kids called me. I asked how everything was and they said they all woke up during the night and couldn't sleep. Why? It was too hot. I told them to turn the ac cooler. They told me it was broken. (We bought a new unit last summer) I told them to have Dad call the guy and get it fixed. I talked to my husband later that day and asked if he'd called the guy. He hadn't but was going to. The next day I called home. My hub said all was well, the ac was working fine, he had just gotten cold during the night and turned it warmer. 2 days later (4 days after the kids called me to say it was broken) they pick me up at the Vegas airport. My husband, the whole time home, is saying how they're going to pamper me and take care of me right after I take a cool shower. Why do I need a cool shower?, I ask. Because the house is so hot. Whyyyyy? Well, it's 118 outside, so the ac has had to work super hard. It's just tired. WHAT? You didn't call him did you? The stupid thing was under warranty. I got home, broke into a sweat dialing, and 2 hours later our house was cool. SHEESH!
(I win: longest comment ever posted on a blog)
Hope it helps.

MA Fat Woman said...

I feel for ya. Check out my air conditioning story on What I did for Brown.

Brian Miller said...

ack. hope you find something...rather odd of them after you told them in the interview...the hum of a good fan is pretty....nevermind. smiles.

Anonymous said...

Go hang out at Walmart, they have air conditioning :) Or better yet, buy a window unit for your bedroom so you can poor thing...


Okie Book Woman said...

Oh my goodness! No air conditioner in this miserable Oklahoma summer heat? Bless you! I hope you find a job that doesn't involve bathing men, either young or old, and that it's in an air conditioned building!

luckydame said...

I can't even imagine that heat...especially with no A/C. How awful. Sending cool breezes your way!!!

I'm right there with you on not bathing naked, old men. We should all put that on ALL of our job applications regardless of job. ahaha

Dawn said...

GIRL, first, I'm so sorry and feel horrible for you and your family.

But, you tell a funny, stinkin' (yes, I think I may smell you all from here) story!!!! LOL!

TechnoBabe said...

Ok this is just too much. And I feel like I have gotten to know you so well now that I can almost picture the two of you sweating it out on top of your bed. I am so sorry your A/C decided to die in the middle of summer. I would give you a hug but I will wait till winter.

Nancy C said...

Could you be funnier? Oh my goodness.

Could you compromise and wear a blindfold while washing the naked men? Would that be considered unprofessional?

Delirious said...

Okay, let me tell you what we did. While our temperatures aren't as high as yours, we do get some pretty hot summers. Our air conditioner bit the dust, and we found ourselves in same position as you. My husband looked on Craig's list. He found an air conditioner that was being pulled out of a house that was being renovated. It was like new! It was relatively inexpensive (I think about $500). I highly suggest you check Craig's list!

justsomethoughts... said...

hot stuff indeed

you can come over here anytime

Glen said...

I can't stand bathing myself so I can understand your reluctance - sit back and have a Snickers in your pants - that's what I'd do

Oklahoma Granny said...

Bless your heart! I'm going to pray for you - for a job or some oter way to fund a new air conditioner.

Kfred said...

Wouldn't it have been easier to keep the job and get naked over there? The boys would have forgotten about needing a bath and you would have earned a couple of bucks toward the Snickers bar/Lotto ticket.

Constantly thinking on a minimal basis, I remain yours truly,


J.J. said...

People are stupid. You tell them something and they either don't pay attention, or they think you'll change your mind. Umm, no.

And 107? Yikes! It's been in the low 80's here lately. Not that I'm complaining! It was 104 the day my man was supposed celebrate my birthday. I told him not to come (over) because I knew that, while we were likely going to wear our birthday suits, no party was going to take place in that heat. His birthday is tomorrow so we're wearing the suits on Saturday.

Stay cool (if you can)!

Bel said...

Well since everyone is probably avoiding coming over bc of your stinky, schwetty bodies I can keep you company and swchet beside you:)

Marla said...

Denalee ~ You are too funny. Those family people are tricksters. You can't trust em, can't sell em at a swapmeet. What's a girl to do?

You surely deserve a prize for longest comment. I will have to head to the barn in the morning and see if I can find a little Okie nugget for ya. :-)

MA ~ Ok, that was one of the BEST stories EVER!!

Brian ~ You dogs are all alike. One track minds. :-)

Marie ~ Hang out at Wal Mart? I'm already terrified I am going to show up on the People of Wal Mart website.

Okie ~ From your lips to God's ears.

LD ~ Oh heavens...that really made me laugh. Yes, ALL apps should have that disclaimer added. Love it!

Dawn ~ It's like camping...inside the house.

Techno ~ Who needs soap operas when you can just read this blog?

Nancy ~ Um....don't they pay extra for that?

Delirious ~ Now, that is an idea! Thanks!!

jst ~ Can I bring the chickens with me? It's hot out there!

Glen ~ As usual, you have left me speechless...and unable to sleep for fear of nightmares.

Ok Granny ~ Please and thank you!!

Kfred ~ You can flirt all you want. I still will not bathe you.

JJ ~ It's like I speak a foreign language, I tell ya!

Marla said...

Bel ~ Bring deodorant.

Unknown Mami said...

Oh no! Sending you cool thoughts. I hope you find $6500 at the end of the rainbow, but you might have to bathe a leprechaun to get it.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh boy, that kind of hot is just awful but I loved how you told this story.

Good luck on the job hunt. I wouldn't want to bath men either.

Hang in there, jj

Amy Sullivan said...

As a girl whose AC decided to stop kicking last week, I feel your hot, sweaty pain.

As a girl who hasn't yet heard the estimate for fixing the AC, I will now hope and pray it isn't to the tune of $6500...YIKES.

BLOGitse said...

oh man...good luck next time...
We're sweating here too but we have AC in our bedroom - better than nothing!
Happy SS greetings from Casa!

Everyday Kathy said...

Found you from the Saturday Sampling. What an enjoyable post! Sorry you had to endure such misery to write it.

I have to follow, your black clouds are hilarious!

Mrs4444 said...

lol!! I'm not into bathing naked old men, either!