Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Freakin Mother's Day


Hey Kel,

I’m sure by now you are aware that Seth committed suicide last week. Have you seen him? If not, please go find him and ask why he would do such a thing when so many loved and cared about him. I just don’t understand. I don’t know if I ever will. I’ve thought about suicide on and off throughout the years especially knowing people who have made that choice. I’ve always had the same two thoughts: Sometimes it would definitely be easier than what I am going through. I could never do that to my family.

By the way, Char thinks we killed you. She thinks all the morphine and whatever else they had us pumping into you those last few days is what actually did you in.

“Really, Char?”

“No Marla, I really think we killed her with all those drugs. That’s why she’s mad at me and not talking to me.”

“Char! First of all, she was always mad at you because that was Kelly and she is not talking to you because she is dead, you idiot. Secondly, she was dying from effin cancer eating her alive so even if we did give her so much morphine it killed her, well, so what? Would you rather she would have had two extra hours of horrendous suffering without all the drugs? I definitely do not want you in charge when my time comes. Please, just let my kids pour a bottle of pills in me, wash it down with a beer and then go have a party. Seriously!”

“We need to go see the Long Island Medium. I need to hear from Kelly.”

“Wait, I think I just got a message from her for you. “Charrrrr…..you are an idiotttttt.” There, now give me fifty bucks for my services.”

Ever since you died, Char has been hell-bent on going to Long Island to see that gal on TV. We are not going. First, if God wanted us to talk to dead people would he really charge us for it? Secondly, I talk to you every day and I am pretty sure you have talked back to me through dreams and such. Maybe it’s not actually you, maybe its God just trying to get through to me or maybe it’s my incredibly vivid imagination or maybe it’s all the drinking I have been doing lately. I have no flippin idea. All I do know is this: I aint payin to talk to dead people!

I am thinking, however, of paying for some counseling. I am isolating myself more and more from people and the things that use to be important to me. I find myself crying more not less and not caring about much. When I’m at work or with people, nobody knows because I am good at faking it. I laugh, joke around, and act pretty much like I always did. I think. It’s when I’m alone that I notice the difference. My thoughts are so dark. I cry. A lot. My eating is out of control again and I am putting on weight. I don’t want to see anyone or go anywhere. I don’t answer phone calls, emails or letters. I just want to be left alone.

I have people in my life whom I love very much that are going through absolutely hellacious things right now. Things that no person should ever have to face. Things that bring me to my knees crying, “Really God? Really!” I watch as they also cry out to Him but with hope and faith that there is a purpose in all this suffering and I feel ashamed. One lousy dead sister and I crumble and cave and doubt. One stupid dead sister and I stop breathing. Stop living. Stop trying or caring. You might have been right all along, Kel. Maybe there really is something wrong with me.

Please tell Mom I said Happy Mother’s Day. Tell her I miss her and I wish she was here more than ever. It doesn’t feel quite fair to have to give up my mother and my little sister. But like Mom always said, who said life is fair? Who indeed!
 
I've been thinking all morning about a few of the other things Mom use to say to me all the time and I started to smile because I realized you said them to me too. All. The. Time.
 
"For heaven's sake! Look at yourself. Go put some makeup on."
 
"Marla! Really! What will people think?"
 
"Stop being so dramatic. Have you lost your mind?"
 
"Just because you feel that way, do you have to let the world know?"
 
I miss you, Kel. Everyday.

Mar
 
 
 
 

 

 

12 comments:

Brian Miller said...

hugs.

might be good to have someone to talk to...isolation can be a slippery slope...

and ugh on the suicide as well...so hard...

happy mothers day marla...

Bruce Coltin said...

I have a feeling that Char just freaks out differently than you do.

Maybe cut her some slack? At least until you both get over this -- which just might be the rest of your lives.

Seriously Marla, you need to sit down with her and smoke a peace pipe. You need to be in this together.

Deborah said...

Oh Marla - I can't begin to comfort you. I want to so much. If ever you do want to vent, talk, cry, laugh - here I am. I know millions of others have offered. I am offering as well.

Ms. A said...

Blessings to you, Marla... you seriously need them.

Happy Mother's Day. Now, go hug your kids and then find someone and reach out for some support. Let someone help and comfort you for a change.

I'm here if you need to vent. When you're done venting, I'm willing to give you a good, swift kick in your virtual @$$. Snap out of it. It's a good thing there's no guilt trips in heaven, or Kelly would be trippin' at you falling apart like this.

(((BIG COMFORTING HUGS)))

Delirious said...

I really, really believe our deceased loved ones can come to us in our dreams. I think you can tell the difference between when they really do come, and when its just a dream. The dreams are the weird ones. The real experiences are when it feels real. I have personal experience with this.
Your sadness sound like depression. Counseling might really help.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I've been reading and reading but I still don't have words.

xoxoxoxox jj

Katherine Jenkins said...

I know you wrote this last week, but I'm just coming to it now. I have only ONE sister. That's it.As much as we are opposites and disagree most of the time, it would be so hard to lose her. I think you should take all the time you need to be however you are right now. Do whatever you have to do. Talk to mediums (Why not? Now I'm kinda interested in this Long Island Channeler), seek counseling, eat, sleep, read, sit...whatever it takes. But I do think it is important to know that people around you really do care about you and that you are important too! You have so much to give through your life and you still have it, so keep giving while you do. Many blessings to you!

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

I don't make the blog world very often but when I do, I always check to see if you've written. I think of you often and pray for you when God puts you on my heart - which is also often.

I remember how I felt when my sister died, but she committed suicide. She didn't have the strength to fight the cancer like Kel did. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I talk to my sister all the time and ask questions that I'll never know the answer to until we meet again. I'm sure we will, just as I'm sure you'll see your precious sister again, too. Just don't make it sooner, rather than later. :)

Big cyber hugs to you! Email me sometime if you need a shoulder to lean on.

Tammigirl said...

Well OF COURSE you're sad. OF COURSE you're depressed. And of course you're pissed off. And with my way too personal experience with grieving it takes years to go through the worst of it. I think the initial months when we were supposedly going through the stages? I think that whole time we're still in shock. I know I was. It took me a long time. And I still cry a LOT of days. More than anyone knows. There's nothing wrong with you.

If you could go around feeling like you always felt, not hurting, not angry, not in turmoil... then I think there would be something wrong with you.

Sorry you're human too. I know it sucks.

And be mad at Char if you want to. We have to be able to be mad at someone. (sometimes) Why else would God give us annoying people?

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