Sunday, June 2, 2013

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road


Hey Kel,

I won’t be writing to you anymore. I know that’s a really shitty way to break up with you but I figured I might as well get right to the point, so there it is. You’re dead and I’m not so it’s over between us. I have thought a lot about this dead sister/barely living sister relationship we have had for the last four months. I thought a lot about it especially in the last two weeks. Some pretty horrible things have brought my attention to our strange relationship. Things like two massive tornados, the last of which I spent four hours running from only to realize I had driven straight into it’s path. There was something about hiding in a Wal Mart bathroom with a bunch of crying strangers that made me realize, I really do want to live. As if the two weeks of twisters wasn’t eye-opening enough, I have been watching from a distance as two people I love and adore have been anticipating the delivery of their beautiful baby girl, knowing they will be preparing her for burial shortly after her birth. How can I go on with this stupid feeling sorry for myself because I have a dead sister thing when so many are suffering through much worse than one dead sister? I can’t. I won’t. I choose not to anymore.

Listen Kel, I will never forget you and I will never stop wishing you were here. I just can’t keep waiting to wake up from this hoping it was all a bad dream. The truth is, this is my new normal. You’re gone and I’m sad and crying more than I want to but you’re not coming back. No matter how much I beg you too. No matter how many promises I make to God. It’s over. As of February 5th, 2013 there was no more us. There is just me now. I have to be okay with that. Maybe not today but someday, soon, I have to be okay with it.

I love you Kelly Jeanne Casas! With everything in me, I love you, and I will never forget you. I will never forget us. I’m making some plans, Kel. Life changing plans. I’m taking your advice, you know, where you told me to stop worrying so much all the time and to just follow my passion. Well, I’m doing it, following my passion. I’m scared and I may fail. But what if I don’t? What if you were right all along and I actually end up living happily ever after? I hope you’re watching and praying for me.

Well, that’s about it. Bye Kel. I love you. Always have. Always will.

Mar



15 comments:

Ms. A said...

I've had you in my thoughts and prayers, with extra thoughts and prayers as the tornadoes spun so close to you. At least they didn't get you, either of these times. I'm thankful for that. You've had plenty of whirlwinds lately and that's not counting the twisters.

God bless you, Marla.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad your still alive! ( not dead ) like you don't know! I'm glad you didn't lay down and give up, and I'm glad you learned a valuable lesson! DON'T GO OUT IN A TORNADO!
Whew, that was close...
Ok, so when... You have the guts to call me we will talk good and long about this storm chasing career it looks like you have embarked upon...!!!
Trink

Brian Miller said...

i imagine she is watching...and that she is proud of you for getting to this point...and looking forward to watching you chase those dreams....smiles.

Delirious said...

I do believe that she is still with you in spirit, and she knows your heart. I am sure that she wants you to find happiness in this life. I'm glad you are safe.

Deborah said...

Ooooh I could just squeeze you.

Now we want to read a post all about your adventures. Holy Hannah girl, stop doing stuff like that! Stay in the basement when those sirens go off.

Of course I do not know what I'm talking about, except I live in a tornado lovin' area myself.

Kiss and smooch my lovely friend.

Katherine Jenkins said...

I think your sister is watching and nudging you to get out there and LIVE. I know you have so many great things you will do out there in the big, wide world. No time like the present!

Two Shades of Pink said...

I thought about you a lot. So glad you are ok.

okiegirl1961 said...

yes, welcome back, missed you. huggs

Glen said...

I don't doubt that she is. The only way is forward x

Mrs. Tuna said...

Breathe Mar breathe. You can let go only if you want, and visit anytime.

Dutch Sugar Babe said...

She would want you to live your best life. Be well.

Anonymous said...

You are an amazing girl Marla. So deep and insightful. And I knew your sister - and she would want you to do just what you wrote. Live and love. xoxo

Nicole

Not So Simply Single said...

Sigh.

Sad. But so full of love you are.

You are beautiful.

So precious. So deep. So kind.

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

I wondered about you during the tornado outbreaks down there. I am glad that are going to start living again. There's not much I can say that won't sound like I'm comparing my situations to yours but I do understand your pain.

You're a wonderful person and I bet one of the best sisters anyone could hope for.

Sandra Wilkes said...

I hope you will continue writing to us...somewhere. Gotta tell us where. Your writing rocks. Lost mom last month. I know it's no way like losing your sister cause I stil have Shirley, my sis, to sit with and talk about mom and miss mom with my sister. Boy, you make me appreciate that. Sending you love and all the best for whatever you do. A Sandra