Monday, February 18, 2013

Madre de Dios

Hey Kel,

I was thinking about the night you died all day today. It will be two weeks tomorrow since you left. Two long, miserable weeks. How can fourteen days feel like fourteen minutes and fourteen decades all at the same time? I am not understanding life at all right now. That's probably my own damn fault. I mean, I did break up with God the night you died so maybe I am just on my own until I find a way to repent. I sort of want to repent but I am just too angry right now. I'm pretty sure we will get back together someday. I do love Him. I am pretty sure He loves me too. I am just so sad.

I waited all day Monday by your bedside. I held your hand and stroked your forehead. Every time I found myself alone with you, I laid my head on your pillow and whispered in your ear. Did you hear me? Do you remember? I told you how much I loved you, how proud I was to have you for my baby sister. I said some things I had always wanted to tell you but had never found the courage to voice. Were you surprised to hear me say you had always been my closest friend, the one I admired and wanted to please the most. Did it make you happy to hear how much I loved you and how I had always wished I was more like you? Were you shocked that I wasn't always angry with all your constant butting in, that I needed you? I still need you.

With less than an hour of sleep on Monday, Tuesday arrived. That night Char and I went to your house to shower and change. The house felt so empty and cold. I looked around and everything looked the same but nothing felt the same. Nothing will ever feel the same again. We weren't there but fifteen minutes when the call came. Get back to the hospital now!

Within minutes we were there. It seemed as if we flew. I remember standing in the doorway, your room crowded with your besties and then the sea of friends slowly parted so I could walk in. Before I could get to you, Cher put her arms around me and said, "Mar, she's gone."

I just remember hearing some lunatic screaming and yet I didn't feel anything other than Cher's arms. I remember watching my purse fall to the ground in slow motion, feeling my knees buckle and realizing I was the lunatic.

Did I embarrass you when I laid on the bed, wrapped myself around you and begged you to stay with me? I know, I certainly felt embarrassed and yet I couldn't stop myself. It was as if I was watching a really bad Mexican novella. No bueno!

When the nurse tried to comfort me, I just felt worse. She told me she saw you “rally” every time Char and I were in the room. She said you were waiting for us to leave those few short moments so you could go. She said she sees people do it all the time because it’s too hard for them to leave sometimes with the people they love most in the room. I’m pretty sure that’s when I laid back on your bed and F-bombed you. I’m sorry for that. It just made me really angry that you didn’t want me there because I wanted to be there. I needed to be there. I’m just a jerk. Seriously, what kind of a person F-bombs their dead sister?

Then, when the anger and pain and loneliness was more than I could handle, I kissed your forehead repeatedly and left the room. I hurried to the elevator and quickly found my way out of that horrid place. Did you see me in the parking lot in crappy Salinas in the middle of the night? Did you hear me yelling at God?


Did you see the look on the faces of those nurses coming out of the parking garage? I know I scared them to death. I’ll be sorry for that someday too. Just not today.


I miss you, where’d you leave your drugs and can I have them,


PS……please tell God I’m sorry.


Brian Miller said...

god understands i am sure.


Kathy's Klothesline said...

I have been sporadic, of late and was so excited to see a post of yours on my blog roll.
I am crying with you now. I am so very sorry for your loss. Words are inadequate. There is nothing to say that will salve the pain. I am thinking of you and holding you close in my prayers. Just hold on, time will dull the pain. It will never go completely away, but you don't want it to.

Nicole said...

M - your ability to express yourself in writing is so inspiring to me. Reading this was like re-living the phone call that we had the day after she passed. I know you said that you wrote for Kelly all this time, I hope you never stop. Your words and emotions move me. Your bring me to tears, make me smile, make me laugh at loud -even at inappropriate times.

I love sharing stories of the Casas sisters with my girls. The three of them I hope will be as loving, supportive and dedicated sisters to each other as you, Char and my dear friend Kelly were.

Deborah said...

God you are good at this. Writing.

Libbie Doyle said...

Hi Marla!

i actually read your post the other day & it broke my heart & gave me big fat tears in my eyes! I didn't comment then because I only had a sec & I knew I wanted to write when I had more time. Then when your name popped up in my inbox I was so happy! I always love hearing from you & have missed you much & been thinking of you & kelly often over the year.

I am so incredibaly sad that we have lost her as I have fallen in love with her & your relationship wit hher through your posts. Is there anthing we hold closer to our hearts than our children & our sisters? (yeah hubbys too :) But you know I understand the sister bond & can not bear the thought of you losing Kelly. I will pray for you often Marla...& please know I am loving you from here!!!! Wish I was there to hug ya & sit down & listen for hours of stories as we sip coffee late into the night & pour over pictures of you girls growing up...that sounds heavenly right now. I hope you write some fun stories of you girls growing up into posts so I can read them from here...not the same as being there with you & laughing & crying together...

Love ya Marla!

Zana said...

Thanks for sharing Marla. It was hard to ask about what was happening and always getting the everything is fine response. I felt so shut out. Of course i knew everyting was not fine. Thanks for letting me in a little. It's so sad, so funny, so screwed up and so beautiful at the same time. Can't believe it's been 21 days already.