Sunday, July 15, 2012

Apple or Cherry?

Today started out as most Sundays of late. Being my one and only day off each week, I slept in, ate breakfast in bed which had been made by my eldest grandchild and then sipped coffee, also in bed, while I read through emails, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Blogs, etc. Yes, as a matter of fact I do have a fabulous life, thank you!

Then it happened. The phone rang and I got the news that, yet again, one of the Hansen men had put forth their opinion of someone they had never met for all the world to hear. Seems this particular event involved making fun of someone else’s life’s work. Let me explain about Hansen men.

Hansen dudes are gorgeous and smart and funny and amazingly talented in so many ways. Seriously, as a woman who has been happily conjoined to one for forty years, I can honestly say, they are awesome! Having said that, I must confess they all seem to have one small flaw and that is the art of making fun of strangers at the expense of, well, strangers. I cannot count the bazillions of times I have made the statement, “It’s not fun or funny unless it’s fun and funny to the person being made fun of.” Ok, I may have added, “You morons!” at the end of that statement each of the bazillion times but come on already, wise up.

Seriously, if you ever had the privilege of meeting a Hansen man you would remember it as a pleasant experience. The first line of this breed, that I knew anyway, was my father-in-law. He was one of the funniest guys around. Always ready with a punch line. The guy was ridiculously funny except for one small flaw. He made fun of people he didn’t know in a way that was quite unfunny in my opinion. I mean, come on, anyone that reads this blog knows that I have answered the calling to make fun of people including myself, my sisters, my husband and children, the people I work with and for, etc. The difference is, I do it to their faces, in public and I know them. So really, I am not actually making fun of them but rather pointing out the truth that they already know. It’s my small way of offering joy to the world in sharing the lives of those I love. Thank you and you’re welcome.

Ok, maybe what I do is not completely different but that’s not the point. The point is, when you make fun of people behind their backs it’s mean and they have no chance to defend themselves and it makes you look like a boob. Yeah, I said it. A boob! Maybe that’s why all you Hansen men seem to choose full breasted women, because you are all boobs yourself. Yeah, you heard me!

What if I didn’t know you perfect Hansen men and I decided to point out some of your “flaws”? Huh, how about that?  “What flaws?” you ask. Exactly! There’s the first one. Oh yeah, I have a whole list of things I could embarrass you people with. That’s right, I called you, you people, just like my dad use to call us girls when he was at the point of complete disgust with our shenanigans.

Speaking of shenanigans, how would you like it if I made public some of yours for others to laugh at? I mean, I would only be trying to be funny, right? Seriously, how would you feel if I told people how one of you is unable to jump on a trampoline without peeing their pants? Ok, that might be me but if it was one of you, how would you like the world to know that? Huh, funny men? Maybe I should tell people the awesome story of farting so loud in church that we had to change churches, or towing your car out of the ditch with the door open which resulted in the door hitting a pole and being ripped right off the hinges or having to go to school with only socks on all day because you forgot to put shoes on. Shall I go on? How would you like people to know you were booted from first grade for starting the dirty word club? I mean, really, who are you people and how did I get involved with you?

My advice, shut those pie holes unless you have something nice to say. Or, you are making fun of your sisters.

15 comments:

Ms. A said...

We used to refer to that as, having fun at someone else's expense.

AmyH said...

Ok, first - Papa Pa, I'm sorry I got you in trouble, I hope you can forgive me :) I'm sure you can overlook my tattling in the face of marrying the boob most like yourself and birthing children that picked up your sons most...umm....charming traits...

Second - you and I are the only "full breasted" broads around here....and the kids seem to have eaten most of mine, so I'm not even sure I qualify anymore.*sigh*.

:)

The Duck Herder said...

Heehee, what a lovely RIGHTEOUS RANT from my dear bloggyfriend MARLA THE AVALANCHE OF LOVE.

Guess someone just got the avalanche this morning......with cherries on top. :-)

Missed you and ENJOYED your visit. xxxxxxx

Brian Miller said...

yikes....sounds like someone is in a bit of trouble....

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

LOL!

Glen said...

and another thing........ :-D


We wouldn't be men if we weren't prone to upsetting folk - it's what we do

Sandra said...

Well ...we just usually say "Bless their heart!" Such a sweet way to say just about nasty thing you want to! :)

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Mine does the same thing, must be a gender thing?

Cher said...

Ok cuz. I just read all seven 2012 posts and am laughing my ars off cuz I am involved in a few of those shenanigans you talk about. Sneaking into your bed with Kelly so you could go have hot (ssshhhhh)sex with your hubby. Our mom's would have been disgusted with us for talking about it. Because they had immaculate conceptions. When Kelly woke up in the middle of the night calling your name I couldn't help but giggle. She was mad the whole next day or was that because we got her a babysitter and went to Guthrie without her. I think that same week we ate a ton of Maureens cookies even though we were already fluffy. Kelly was in a full body brace and when we told her she looked like you with dark hair, the decision was made. We dyed her hair red. Full body brace trying to bend her over the sink cuz she couldn't take a shower. Then we cleaned your garage. How come I can clean someone else garage but not my own?

Cher said...

and jumping off the Cabana. Did that a few times with you as well on our annual summer visits. Remember how we couldn't wait for Char and Maureen to move out of the guest house so you could move in. More shenanigans! and boys remember we were raised with girls that is why we are still so baffled with their behavior. Girls are different, they just have hissy fits and scratch. And our mom's gotta love them. Didn't mince words, it was nothing to be greeted by "What happened to you, you look like the cat dragged you in?" Gosh we thought we looked pretty cool! I knew I was loved fiercely by that comment. My new theme song "Do your boobs hang low, do they travel to and fro, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow, etc. You get the not so pretty pic. We were wiping butts at 50 and they were our dad's and not our kids. In fact what ever happened to our week at the fat farm for our 50th. We took a rain check and now it has been four years. Forget the fat farm, let's go to a spa and get pampered. I love you cuz.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Uh-oh, someone's in the doghouse.

And I love the word "shenanigans". Really, I do. We should all use it more often.

Hang in there, xo jj

Unknown Mami said...

My mom would have a blast with those men. She makes fun of strangers too and I absolutely hate it. I find it mean and I think that type of humor is too easy. Still, we all have our flaws.

Brian Miller said...

hey you...how are you?

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Auntie Cake said...

Hello Marla,
You have been on my mind a ton lately, was just wondering what you have been up to lately. And also wanted you to know I have been praying for you and your family, hope things are going well for everyone.

I miss your sarcastic posts. Blogland is just not the same without you!

Take care, know I am thinking about you,
Kate