Friday, July 15, 2011

Better Than A Hallelujah

There’s a song by Amy Grant titled Better Than A Hallelujah. It’s a good song in my book. It speaks to my heart these days. A few of the lyrics really speak to me specifically right now.

“The tears of shame for what's been done
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.


We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.”


Those words say it all for me right now. They speak to my heart and speak my heart. I just have no words of my own. Not to speak. Not to write.

I have been completely overwhelmed by the kindness of so many who have written to me and called wondering where I am. Why I am not writing. Asking how my sister, Kelly is. Thank you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not writing back. I’m sorry for not returning your calls. I’m just sorry.

I am living in silence because the words just won’t come. I honestly work 12-14 hours every day six days a week. Partly because I am trying to succeed but mostly because I am trying to hide.

My sister is not well. We speak very little. I have changed from the caregiver of the family, the one everyone asks for when they are not feeling well to the one to avoid. I am a miserable mess, no help to anyone including myself. So I work. I am good at working hard. I can hide there. I am funny and witty and nobody knows the truth of what a beautiful mess I am inside. That’s all I have to say about that.

In the last six weeks, I have spoken to one of my best friends in the entire world once. Just once. Why? Because her husband is dying and I can’t take it. I can’t take the pain of losing him and seeing Lori hurt.

In the last six weeks, I have learned another friend, Dick is dying. Have I called or written? No. This man is a brother to me. His daughter is a daughter of my heart. I love them. I want to call. I want to write. All I hear is the silence of my heart so I do neither. He may never know the truth of how he has affected my life because I can’t find the words or the courage.

My dog died suddenly a few weeks ago. Just up and died. She was only three. Fat and healthy, driving me crazy one day and dead the next. I sat in the darkness of my closet and cried. I cried like I haven’t cried in a very long time. I cried that my stupid dog died before I knew what was happening. Before I was ready. I cried because I can’t talk to my sister. I cried because I can’t talk to Lori or Mike or Dick or Janneke. I cried because I am a coward and not ready. I am not ready.

God, is this a melody to You? Is it? Because this is the honest cry of my breaking heart.





29 comments:

Parsley said...

I've thought of you often. Came by the blog to see if you were in blogland. I'm not far...if you need me, I'm here. Praying...

Brian Miller said...

((marla)) glad to see you today...i am sorry that life is so hard...if there is anything i can do...

ModernMom said...

Oh I am so so sorry. I can't think of strong enough words to comfort you during this difficult times, so will just send hugs....

Glen said...

x

Silver Strands said...

I am so sorry Marla. Remember this: in the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ's suffering was not just for our sins - but he felt every heartache, every sorrow, every regret, every everything. What you are feeling and have been feeling for the last few weeks - He knows EXACTLY your pain. He knows it not because He has felt something like it - He knows it because He felt it - He owns your pain. Leave it to Him. He's already given that gift to you ... now let Him carry you.
Sorry to sound preachy. This is all easier said than done. But I know this is melody to Him and He's ready to enfold you in His ample arms.
Know that my love and prayers are with you.

Ms. A said...

Was talking to hubby about you yesterday and concerned that we haven't heard anything from you. Marla, I'm so sorry for the pain you are experiencing, but I totally understand your reaction to it, since that's the way I cope, too.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you.

Sarah Castro said...

Marla, I have come by every day to see if you ahve written. I knew you were working long hours, but had no idea about your pain and struggles, except for Kelly and that's hard enough. I am so sorry, my dear friend, for all you are going through. You are in my prayers. Love, Sarah

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

you have been on my mind and in my prayers. every day. i'm very glad to see you here but so very sorry that you are going through so much pain.

I wish i had serious words of comfort, but just know that i am praying for you and your family.

So. Cal. Gal said...

I understand, hon. It's easy to joke and kid around when you're hoping your loved ones can get better. But when it becomes apparent that they may not, it's hard.

I sent my aunt a funny card while she was in the hospital, then found out she had terminal cancer. She was sent home and I never had the courage to visit her. She passed away 2 weeks later.

(((HUGS, SWEETIE!)))

TechnoBabe said...

You have a lot to face. For so long you were what others wanted. Now you are being yourself and it doesn't matter who understands. Intellectually you know hiding won't change the events. The only thing that you can change is how you react to the events. When you want to. I care what you are going through. I hurt for you.

Deborah said...

It's too much. I cry because I can't believe how much you are having to endure.

{{Marla}}

You aren't just hiding woman, you are trying to heal and cope. Very different things to me.

smooches

It's too much.

Anonymous said...

You are not a coward. The pain & heartache is just too raw to deal with right now. You are doing the best you can. I understand. It’s hard to give yourself permission to fall apart when you have always been the caregiver of the family.
My heart goes out to you. Sometimes life just plain hurts.

xx
Dutch Donut Girl
aka Eliza

Oklahoma Granny said...

Praying for you and all those you love.

Coby said...

Oh Marla! I am so sorry, Friend. Just bring it to Him. All the mess, tears, snot...jumbled and not making any sense. Bring it.

I'm praying for you.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Oh sweetie, last I visited, you'd opened your home to a couple in despair. That's the angel you are.
How much can anyone's heart take, even your hugely generous one? You are beautiful in every way. Please don't be hard on yourself. Life is way too hard on you as it is.
I love you lots and will hold you in my prayers. Keep faith or it will keep you.
xoRobyn

Sarah said...

Sounds like it's time to take care of yourself, Marla. We will be here when you're ready, so take as long as you have to.

ElizaVan said...

When my uncle died, I was living thousands of miles away, I tried to call, and I couldn't, spent an hour reading every sympathy card in the store three times.

I bought two, I sent neither. I know your paralyzation .

I read somewhere that you should take on only what you can, and give the rest to God. They said imagine your life as 60 units, if you can only handle 40, then ask him to take care of the other 20.

I cried for hours asking him to take all 60 units. I couldn't handle anything.

I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I find it helps to know, that if we can't handle it, we don't have to. A forest is strong because everything in it supports everything else, when one thing is weak it survives if it has enough around it for protection.

I hope you find your strength to be you again, until then I hope you can feel the love everyone has for you.

Maureen said...

OK, everybody else writes nice stuff, not me, as you know,. Working is the best thing for you! Buck up!!! Get on with life, there is no other alternative. Yes, it's hard but this too shall pass and we will all head for a much better place (well, maybe not me, I'm too mean) Aunt Meta didn't raise any panty waists. Love you!

Mrs. Tuna said...

Oh Marla, I know you are going through the darkest times. I have been checking back hoping to see things getting better for your sister. I understand the desire to crawl into yourself, I won't be trite and say put yourself out there. Sometimes the best coping method is to crawl into yourself, lick your wounds and emerge when you're ready.

Wishing all you love the best.

okiegirl1961 said...

Marla,

Here Im wiping off your face with a cold washrag and Im combing your hair back and Im turning you to face the morning sun thats coming in the window. Im giving you a glass of something cold and sweet and Im handing you a pen and paper. Sit down right here.You are picking it up and you are writing. You are writing because its all we have. Its the cries of our hearts and minds all the words we cant say, all the heat blinding pain and ugly crying and screaming anger and shame and grief that we hide because thats just what we do. It might blow us up or catch the world on fire or flood all around us with darkness. Its frightening and we can't move because all of that might find us if we do. And then after we write that down we put it away in a secret place and then tomorrow we do it again till its all purged like cutting a swollen wound and allowing all that poison out.

Get some more paper
You are writing to your friend Dick. You are telling him all the things you know about him and how you love him. You can kiss that letter then you are folding it up, putting a stamp on it and walking out to the mailbox raising the red flag....

You are raising the red flag for yourself because if you don't you will be sorry later. You go out and raise that red flag for Dick and yourself, and your dog and your sister....
I love you now go do it.

Delirious said...

"Hugs"

Okie Book Woman said...

Oh Marla, I have missed you and thought about you often. I am so very sorry at all the pain you are experiencing now. Sometimes life is so hard. Just do what you have to do to take care of yourself, and know that you have many friends who love you, even those of us who have not met you in person. Thank you for being real. You're in my prayers.

Cher said...

Oh Marla, had to laugh when I got to cousin Maureen's response cuz I was thinking about all the little sayings our Aunts said to us. "Knock the Lace off your panties" "Pick yourself up by your bootstraps" so here it is BUCK UP COWGIRL, GRAB YOUR MUCKER AND GO OUT AND SMELL SOME HORSE POOP. I PROMISE IT WILL MAKE YOU SMILE. Love you, Cher

Cher said...

AND THINK OF ME ALSO MUCKING POOP AND SMILE TWICE AND FEEL ME HUGGING YOU TIGHT.

Kelley Simpson said...

It's so hard when God takes the time to teach us about how little control we have in our lives if we choose to serve Him. Thank God He has a plan. I look to the mountains and wonder, where does my help come from? It comes from the Lord, make of heaven and earth. He has proven Himself through the ages. Hold on and seek His peace. My prayers are with you and yours.

Amarja said...

Dear Marla, dear American mom,.. want you to know that I know what's in your heart. I miss you do.. I know things are sometimes to hard to find words for. I have sent the weblink of this blog to my parents.. so they will know about your fight.
And remember: God found you before you found Him.
Love you, always, Amarja

Libbie said...

Oh Marla! Your heart is so broken right now! I feel terrible about that & just want you to know that silence is okay too :) Sometimes even better. I am sending love & when I log off I will pray for you tonight. Miss ya...but I understand. When the time comes..you will know just what to say.

Love ya!
Lib

Kathy's Klothesline said...

God knows your heart. He has a plan. His plan, not yours. I am in a hiding mode myself of late. Sometimes life just seems too much to bear. I hope things turn around for you soon.

Sofa Burbank said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through all that you do. I have no words of comfort but just want to say thank you for your honesty.