Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Movies I Will Never Watch Again: Psycho

My dad has another UTI. For you novices out there, that means Urinary Tract Infection. Welcome to my life! This seems to be the old man's constant companion for the last couple of years. I have been told to watch for them and take it seriously when the symptoms appear. Supposedly, they can kill a person. I let the nurse know that I had no doubt that was a true statement unless we are talking about Charles Casas. The man has been on Hospice twice, knocking on Death's door both times. He has also been kicked out of Hospice twice, both times for getting better. The nerve! In his own words, "I'm not going anywhere and if I do, it will be kicking and screaming." Thanks for the warning, Dad.

Anyway, Hospice ......third times a charm?.......had to come out to catheterize him. It's their way of checking for a UTI and torturing old people. Kind of a two for one special they were running that day, I guess. Having gone through this with my dad more times than I can count, I knew I did not want to be anywhere in the vicinity when they cathed him. Imagine my surprise when the visiting nurse said she would probably need my help so I better stick around. Excuse me!?!?! I had to politely albeit bluntly inform Nurse Ratchet that I had no intention of helping anyone do anything to my dad where naked parts would be involved. It's called the nether regions for a reason, for heavens sake!

My reputation with the Hospice nurses has probably taken a hit but at least I can sleep at night without naked daddy nightmares. I have never seen my dad naked and I plan on going to my grave still being able to make that statement. Oh sure, I've seen his backside and he's flashed me a few times whilst wearing a hospital gown but I can handle that with a little dose of denial. Anything beyond that and we are talking years of therapy. On the other hand, my dad has seen me naked. Yep, full on as a jaybird, that aint pretty, naked. No, I was not a baby. Getting the picture yet?

It had been a very long day with my dad. His dementia can be fun at times like when he thinks he's a jet fighter pilot and wants to go to Vegas to pick up chicks. It can also be not so much fun like when he wants to buy a new car because I stole his car and he is going to call the police and have me arrested. This particular day in question was a I stole his car day. After hours, and I mean hours, of listening to him rant, rave and tell me how worthless I am, I was finally able to get him to bed for the night. Bob and the kids were already in bed ......cowards! I locked up the house, checked on everyone and then went to take my shower.

That was truly one of the best showers I had ever taken. I stayed in there until the water went cold. It was such a pleasure to be alone. Nobody wanted anything from me and if the phone rang or someone knocked on the door, I would never hear it. Finally, I emerged from the shower completely relaxed and ready to melt into bed when what did I hear? "I want my car!!!!" There, standing in the doorway was my dad. Do none of the stinking locks work in this house!?!?!?! As I frantically searched for a towel while screaming at him to get out, he just stood there screaming right back. "I want my car!!!"

Yep, years of therapy.............


5 comments:

Bel said...

I'm just have to say that I'm praying I don't have to go through the same experiences you've gone through to recieve any enlightment...God bless you for them. In becoming a follower of you blog I some how managed to make you a fellow follower as well and I can't seem to undo it..but I see no harm to be a fan of your own writing?

Bel said...

..my lack of grammer and spelling clearly shows I read what I write. I couldnt' delete what I sent...I guess previewing does help.

Amy said...

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read...in my entire life.....it's going to take a lot to top this...seriously....

Marla said...

Bel ~ Have you been drinking?

Amy ~ If you think this is one of the funniest things you have ever read in your entire life ...... you are easily entertained. :-)

Mrs4444 said...

Did you mean never regions? Ew.

Loved this post. It's now in my sidebar under favorite SS posts :)