Tuesday, September 17, 2013

I'm Willing To Get There

I am a dumb woman. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not stupid, just dumb. Dumb in the sense that I think I know everything, I think I am in control of everything, I think I am everything. Let me give you a for instance. Six months ago my little sister died. Six months ago I stood in a hospital parking lot in the middle of the night and screamed at God at the top of my lungs,

As if that would change anything. Like God would look down at me shaking my fat little fists at him and respond with a,
"Oh no! Not that! Here, you can have her back."

For six months, I have avoided church, avoided the bible for the most part, avoided Christians and their Christiany ways. I have avoided me. Six months ago someone who doesn’t even know me but for some strange reason cares about me, sent me a song to listen to. It wasn’t a Christian song, just a secular song about love. They heard it on the radio after reading my self-absorbed, depressing posts about my dead sister and thought of me. I could never listen to it. Until today.

This is the part where I get all Christiany so for those offended by such thoughts, well, too damn bad. I warned you, so stop reading.

The song is by some kid named Gavin DeGraw. It’s obviously about some girl he loves. When I listened to it today however, I heard my heart. My true heart. Towards God. I miss my stupid dead sister desperately. I miss my freakin dead parents. I miss my aunts, uncles, cousins and friends who have died. I am still angry they are dead. I am angry there are more in my family who are dying. More who are fighting to live even now. I am angry.

So, I listened to Mr. DeGraw's song.

And I cried my eyes out. I cried because I do miss those I love. I cried because I do want to be where they are. I cried because I know where they are and I have turned my back on getting there. I’ve turned my back in anger towards God; the only one who I know can truly help me. I turned. There are few things in life I am sure of anymore but I am sure of one thing.

I. Need. God.

I didn’t say you need God, so relax. Whether you need Him or not is completely up to you and the truth is, it’s not my problem. I can barely live my own life. How am I going to live everyone else’s? I love you with or without Christ. I hope you will do the same for me, that’s all. But even if you don’t, it’s all good. I need God more than I need you. More than I need my pain, my happiness, my suffering or joy. I need Him. That’s right, I am a needy person looking for a crutch. I’m good with it.

So, I’m choosing again. I’m choosing my relationship with God over my pain. I’m choosing to not break-up because that’s just stupid. And like I said, I might be dumb but I am not stupid.


Bruce Coltin said...

There is once again some tough humor in your voice. I think you might be back.

Well, on your way back.

Brian Miller said...

hugs. i am glad
and i rather like the song as well...

Delirious said...

I just have to say that for me it was just a weird experience because when I heard that for the first time, I thought of you. And I thought that was weird, because I don't know you. But I would say that it was a message you were supposed to get, and I was the mailman to pass it on. :)

Delirious said...

Oh, and "Where you are" wasn't the song I heard, it was "You know where I'm at" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrgqZYK9sZk
But both are applicable. lol I'm a huge Gavin DeGraw fan. :)

Deborah said...

You didn't say this, but I know you realize that God knew you were grieving and that this is how you had to grieve.

You are not a dumb woman.

This is just what you needed to do. I know that sounds so trite and ridiculous, but I believe it to be the truth.

. . . and I love the word "christiany." I hate it when people act all christiany! lolol!

Smooches my friend.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I will confess that I listened to the song because my sweet grandson is named Gavin, so I knew it must be a good one. I am happy to hear you begin to recover, my friend.
My dad's cancer has spread and I am in the weeds today. I had a good long cry with Mama (my step-mom of only 7 years) this morning when she told me the news. Seems like we have been on a roller coaster all summer, reaching the highest peaks of hope and then plummetting into the depths of despair. Like you, I want to shake my fist at God, but I have to remember that He knows best. Just doesn't feel that way today!

Glen said...

I'm very glad you've made up with the boss. It takes some serious balls to forgive - I mean to truly forgive, not just say it but secretly harbour a grudge - And you have them

you have them!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Marla,thinking of Kelly alot these days - and so, thinking of you too. Hugs :)


Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

Thinking of you. Lots. Praying for you when I think to pray (not as often as I should). Glad that you're on your way back. You're not dumb - just grieving in your own way. God knew that and He gave you the time you needed.

many hugs

So. Cal. Gal said...

My brother passed away 3 weeks ago, yesterday. In some ways, it feels like forever. I know it'll take time for us to get 'back to normal' but, as mom says, "He's in a better place now."

I'd like to think the same of Kelly. She's not suffering anymore.


ammi roy said...

Aw, this was a really quality post. In theory Id like to write like this too taking time and real effort to make a good article but what can I say I procrastinate alot and never seem to get something done.
Jeux d'animaux

Maalaimalar said...

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Dr. kold_kadavr_flatliner, MD, the sub/dude said...

Beautifull. Full of beauty. Like you, I need God. Sad how few realize this or even comprehend our very finite existence comes FROM God... we must return TO the Trinity as our indelible souls must decide IF this lifelong demise is worth being separated FROM God for all eternity. Here's my take on the existence which's over before we reach the age of 88ish:

HEAR YE! O HEAR YE!! This’ll help immensely on your writing journey (Upstairs) and, believe-you-me, why would you want anything else?? Why should you love our exploded plethora of produce which’ll plant the seeds for you to grow to great heights?? PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK:

Greetings, earthling. Not sure if we're on the same page if you saw what I saw. Because I was an actual NDE on the outskirts of the Great Beyond at 15 yet wasn’t allowed in, lemme share with you what I actually know Seventh-Heaven’s dichotomy gonna be like for us if ya believe/accept: meet this ultra-bombastic, ex-mortal Upstairs for the most blatantly, tastefully, incomprehensibly phat… catch-22-excitotoxins… myriads of cogently-ironic-metaphors… sheer endorphin-rush with pleasure-beyond-measure to boot… Ultra-Firepower-Idyllic-Addiction in the Great Beyond for a BIG-ol, point-blank, deep-thwrote, Big-Bang-Dynamic… propagating the stimulating kitty for a kick-ass, party-hardy-friction (plus tantalizing eroticism), robust-and-risqué-play-station voltage, eternal-real-McCoy-warp-drive you DO NOT wanna miss the sink-your-teeth-in-the-rrrock’nNsmmmokin’-hot-deal: PLEASE KEEP HANDS/FEET INSIDE THE RIDE UNTIL WE MADE A CIRCUMFERENCE OF the OUTSTANDING, NEVER-ENDING, THRILLIONTH-RED-MARKER-POSSIBILITIES …with eXtra eXciting eXtroverts doing the most vivid, brazen congruent as flawless as pearls from the Toyster Upstairs!!! Quite a run-on-sentence… yet, Upstairs, you, too, may push-the-hydraulic-envelope for endless sexy.

WAIT!! THAT’S NOT ALL!! TELL’M WHAT THEY’LL RECEIVE, JOHNNY!! In that insane landscape of tumultuous, Led-Zepplin-versatility, can’t forget the rogue/vogue oasis of ‘Beavis ’n Butthead’ thoroughbred metabolism: from Level One, nuke’mNblast’m avatars in your ninja suit -to- skiing down a black-diamond-mountain 10X higher than K2 in shorts -to- bungee jumping from high-above the paisley troposphere -to- the POW!er of Swappin’ Spit with a room FULLA innuendo, etc, etc, etc (all possible and gobs mo). So, gain altitude, not attitude, and take front-row-seats, miss gorgeous, as the inexhaustible, irresistible intimacy shall blow-your-fragile-mind to peaces. Meet me Upstairs. Do that for us. Cya soon, girly (and, no, sweetheart, I wasn’t on any LSD when I rote this).

PS “It is impossible that anyone should NOT receive all that they have believed and hoped to obtain; it gives Me great pleasure when men hope great things from Me and I will always give them more than they expect”
-Our Lord to Saint Gertrude

Sarah said...

How's life in Jacksonville? Come back and fill us in with your own funny way.