Wednesday, March 20, 2013

You Know Darn Well, I Am Not A Morning Person

Hey Kel,

I woke up at 5:27 am this morning thinking about your first brain surgery. Is there any way you could leave me alone for just one day? We both know the answer to that. When have you ever left me alone, dead or alive? Exactly!

I wonder if you remember things from here like your surgeries. I have read so much throughout the years regarding death and dying and you know I am a bible-thumper and yet, still so many questions. Maybe there just aren’t any answers this side of eternity. Who knows?

Sometimes I feel really bad because people say and write the nicest things to me about you being dead and my heart says, “How sweet”, but my head says, “Um…….are ya sure about that?” You know me though Kel, always the snarkiest shark in the tank. Someday I’ll change and be a sweet, demure, truly awesome human being. I know, makes me laugh too. Who are we kidding, right? Anyway, next time I hear you are at peace with the angels, I promise to do my best to believe it instead of picturing you arguing with the apostles over their lack of style and need for a personal trainer.

So, back to your first brain surgery. Can you believe it will be fifteen years this June? Seriously, how crazy is that? It still seems so fresh in my head, as if it was just a few years ago but then how could that be when I think back on all the gazillions of surgeries that followed. I remember so well the morning of. Do you remember me sitting in the back seat of your Jag, teaching myself to crochet as Ron drove us to Hogue Hospital? It was 5am and he was listening to Howard Stern and as usual, you two were arguing.

“Ron, turn that off. You know Marla hates Howard Stern.”

“Well, sorry Mar, I think he’s funny.”

“Ron, listen to Kelly before you end up in hell. What kind of Catholic are you anyway. Sheesh!”

Of course, Ron and I always thought we were so funny because, well, we are. You, on the other hand, were always annoyed with both of us, individually and as a tag team. Not shocking that you two ended up divorced. I was just always thankful you couldn’t divorce me because I am pretty sure papers would have been filed. You have to admit, Ron and I did make the six weeks I stayed with you memorable if nothing else.

I still have the card you wrote to me, thanking me for taking care of you. You handed it to me the morning Ron drove me to the airport. I still remember you crying, thanking me for being there and telling me not to open the card until I got home. Of course, as soon as I was on the plane, I opened it. I never told you this but I cried when I saw all the money. It was ridiculous how much cash was in that card. All I wanted was your voice. It made me sad that you thought you owed me anything else. I was your damn sister, not a hired caregiver. I didn’t know what to say then I thought about it and realized, you were just like dad. Giving cash and gifts was the way you showed love just like wiping butts and cleaning up puke was the way I showed mine. I had no cash to give and you had no butts you’d ever be willing to wipe so it all worked out the way it was suppose to, I guess. We both had our avenues we were comfortable traveling on.

It’s funny now to think about all the times we fought over stupid things. Like the way you never let me take care of you without buying me a thousand gifts. Now all I can think about is how there will be no more unexpected packages showing up at my door. No more things I don’t need but you need to give me. No more calling you to tell you to stop wasting your money. No more you telling me to get rid of the crap I have and have some style. No. More. You.

 Is there FedEx in heaven?

 I love you,






Brian Miller said...

smiles...divorce you...ha

i would like to think she thinks little of the hard times here on earth...of surgeries and what not where she is now...

Zana said...

I never met David. I'm certain he is fantastic! But my Kelly memories include Ron - super funny and lovable Ron! After Kelly passed my sis emailed Ron and he responded to her saying he always thought of Kelly as being his girl. I thought that was sweet! Guess there's just no getting over Kelly! (hugs)

Glen said...

I imagine Heaven has one seriously massive gift shop full of overpriced crap that she could choose from if she does find a way of posting it

Delirious said...

It strikes me that this experience of your sister's death is more deep than that of most people who lose a loved one because of the intensity of the situation. It almost reminds me of post traumatic stress. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's kind of like the birth of a baby. It is a traumatic experience, and we remember every vivid detail. When we meet someone else who has had a baby, we both recount every part of that experience to each other. In your case, you didn't just lose a loved one, you experienced the entire death process with her. I think that makes the experience far more life changing.

Deborah said...

Marla - I want to thank you for letting me into all of this. I think it's perfect.

I like Howard Stern too (hugs Ron).

One of the things I love about you letting me peek into your relationship with your sister is that it wasn't perfect, not even close.

But it worked and you two had love.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Big sigh... This is an amazing post. Than you for sharing this part of you with us. I don't really have words to express how it touched me.
xo jj

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

Like Joanna said... thank you for sharing "you" with us. I wish I could have known your Kel. I'm sure she was (and still is) an amazing person. I wish I could write to my sister the way you do to Kelly. Like your relationship, mine with my sister wasn't perfect either - but we had a lot of love. (I came across a card last night that she sent me for my 16th birthday. It brought back so many memories.)

Big hugs to you!

Mrs. Tuna said...

Your writing has grown so much with your loss. I hope it eases you loss, I think of you often.

Sandra Wilkes said...

I hope you will write more...come back.