Hey Kel,
I had to work really late tonight. Remember, Wednesday is inventory. Normally I have it done before 3:00 pm but not today. It was 11:00 pm before we finished. Guess why? I had to fire two more people on Monday. So now I am down a total of three and trying to run a business with half a crew. Can you believe that? Man, there was so much drama over these last few days that all I could think about was how much I wanted to call you. No matter how crappy you felt or how ticked off I was, we always had such a great time talking over the day on my way home each night. I keep thinking about all my snarky remarks I would make and how you would laugh and say how much better you felt after we talked. How I miss that. How I miss you. Why did you have to go?
I almost made it through a day without crying. Almost. Brian, my old boss, called me today. I knew he had heard about you dying, so I was surprised when he didn’t call me. Then I heard it hurt his feelings that I hadn’t called him. There are so many people I haven’t called that I should have. I just can’t. Not now. I’m not sure if I will ever be able to call anyone again. I have no desire to see or speak to almost anyone. Anyway, the moment I heard Brian’s voice, I started to blubber. He kept asking me if I was okay and I kept saying I was great. What a couple of idiots. I mean, seriously. Did he think I would be okay? Um, no! Am I doing great? Definitely not! Whatever. He did make me promise to call him and stay in touch. That was nice of him, yeah?
Guess what? I got home at midnight and was beat to a pulp, just wanting to go to bed. Andrew and Tori are here for ten days, so instead of going straight to my room, we sat in the living room by the fireplace and talked. I can see why you love Tori so much. All during your dying, death and funeral, she took care of me. She would hold my hand, hug me when I cried, bring food to the room and just watch over me in general. At the cemetery, she literally had one arm around me and the other held an umbrella over my head protecting me from the rain. How sweet she is. I love this girl. You were right when you told me one day something would bond us together. I should have known it would have something to do with you.
Hey, this was kind of funny in a sick and twisted way. Right before they lowered you into the earth, they brought out a bucket of dirt. Everyone was supposed to take a handful and throw it on you. I stood way back, horrified at the entire thing. You know how I hate going to the cemetery in the first place since mom died. Remember how you and Char would get so mad because I refused to go put flowers on all our family graves? Yeah, get over it. Anyway, everyone is crying and taking handfuls of dirt and getting dirty and muddy in the rain throwing crap on you then they try to get me to join in. I let everyone know two things. First, you would have been appalled that they put dirt in a dirty old paint bucket instead of some fancy Coach bag kind of thing and second, I didn’t need to throw dirt on my dead sister. I had thrown enough dirt at you when you were breathing. Then, after the whole dirt saga has ended, the cemetery guy makes everyone step back before they lower you down. Why? Because, he kindly explains, they had a woman throw herself into the hole because she was so distressed. She broke a rib or something, the casket flew open and the dead guy fell out, blah, blah, blah. Then the gal files a lawsuit over her mental anguish from the entire thing and WINS! That’s not the funny part. Upon hearing said story, several of YOUR relatives turn and look at me. Excuse me! Like I would do that. Shut up.
One last thing. You know how you ruined my Valentine’s Day this year? And you know how I said it would never be the same? Well, when I got home at midnight tonight and was sitting by the fire with Andrew and Tori, Bob brought a box out to me from UPS. It was from Amy. I opened it up and well, I haven’t cried that hard for at least a few hours.
I love that girl. I love her more than words will ever say. She gets me and she loves me. Who could ask for more?
It’s something you would do, hear somebody’s heart calling and answer. I miss you, Kelly. More each day. Isn’t it suppose to get easier?
No Chocolate for You!
Mar
10 comments:
I don't think you can ever get over a death. I'm always amazed when I see people on television who can talk about a death with seemingly very little emotion. Maybe with time you just learn how to deal with the emotion? I don't know, but my heart goes out to you.
its good you have friends to make you cry like that though, they turned and looked at you...oh my...smiles.
hugs for the day....
Hello.
No smart-alecky remarks, snappy puns, or disguised insults. Just one simple thought.
I never like it when someone tries to make you laugh when you really don't want to laugh. It's annoying. There is a time to be sad. And angry. And in mourning. And it doesn't always feel good. But, you know, (you do know!), it won't last forever. And when you are ready, come over and we will play and frolic and I will help you forget about your cares for just a moment. It might even be at your expense, but, you know we will have fun.
I'm sorry.
This is, again, good. If you're pissed, be pissed. If you want to laugh, laugh, If you want to cry, cry. It's good.
This is no way near your thing, but it speaks more to what people know about you/us: I lost my job a few years ago and it was devastating at the time. I'm old and thought my life was over.
My oldest daughter showed up at my house with a naughty movie, Doritos, and Snicker bars. It was a perfect evening. I didn't want to talk to anyone else.
Hey Marla,
I'm so sorry :( I really am.
Prudy
"hear someone's heart calling and answer." love that...makes me wanna listen better to the hearts around me.
x
I read this post a few hours ago...while I was at lunch, I heard a song by the Lumineers with a line that said, "It's better to feel pain than nothing at all."
And I thought of you.
Just so you know, in my car, alone, I had a conversation with the Lumineers and told them that that they were stupid for saying that. It doesn't even make sense. And I defended you to them.
(Now who's crazy? hehe!!)
It's okay to feel however your heart is telling you to feel.
And in regards to yesterday's post...I would be remiss if I didn't remind you that God does indeed love you. He might feel far away but I promise, He does love you.
Keep writing ....
I hate to see your pain, I know how you feel. It may be a long time off, but someday, maybe a month or even a year from now, you will think of your sister without your eyes welling up.
Lots of love to you.
Dawn
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