Heartless

Hey Kel,

Did you forget it was Valentine's Day? I wish I could have. I thought about all the years past with you in them. Do you remember how we had the same routine for what seemed like forever? Every stinking Valentine's Day for the last thirty plus years, a ridiculously large box would arrive. It would be filled with more candy than a small nation could produce. Oh, and need I mention how everytime we added another kid or grandkid to our brood, the box would miraculously grow larger. It was Jesus with the fish and loaves all over again.

Then there was the same stupid phone call every year.

"Kelly, why did you send so much candy? We don't need all this candy, you idiot."

"Hey, nobody said it was for you, tubby."

Yeah, we really loved each other. Anyone listening could tell, right? I waited all day for that box to show up. I cried when it didn't. I got angry at you for being dead. I mean, at least you could have anticipated being my dead sister and set up Valentine's day boxes to arrive like clockwork for the next thirty years. That way I could keep pretending you aren't gone. But you are gone, aren't you?

I drove home from work today and thought about your laugh. I thought about how I could make you laugh so hard you held your nose and threw your head to one side. I laugh the same way when I think something is really funny. Did you ever notice that about me? I think I just realized it.

You would be so proud of Bob. He did everything possible to make today special for me. I know he is trying so hard to help me feel better but I catch him crying a lot lately. You broke his heart too, ya know. You were the only one that called him Boobala. Who will call him that now? That meant something to him. Do you think I will pick up where you left off? Well, I wont! I can't even say Boobala without crying. I mean, seriously Kel, what kind of legacy have you left us? Crying over missed Valentines and stupid nicknames.

I called David tonight on my drive home. Remember how I called you most nights driving home? I so desperately wanted to dial your cell phone, hear your voice and really allow myself to feel the misery I 've shoved deep down in my gut. But I was afraid David would answer and be upset that his lunatic sister-in-law is trying to contact her dead sister by cell phone. So, I just called David instead.

"Happy Valentine's Day David. This sucks!"

"Yeah, it really does."

Then, believe it or not we went on to have a really nice conversation. One I am not going to tell you about because you are dead and I am mad at you. But it was good and you would have wanted to be there for it.

Please don't be dead much longer. This is not working for me.

                                                                 XOXOXO,

                                                                       Marla