He Tried To Warn Me

I haven’t written in almost a week. I hate not writing. It’s my stress reliever, my free therapy, my revenge on the world and all those that love me. Anyway, I am here in California with my sisters. That should explain everything, right? Anyway…


I arrived in California on Wednesday. Today is Saturday. Why does it feel like I have been gone forever? Let’s see if I can answer that question in four words. Miranda and my sisters. I have no idea what possessed me to bring my twelve year old on this “vacation”. So far, it has been anything but. I have finally figured out what Miranda’s problem is in regards to me as her mother. I’m breathing. Yep, my very existence is enough to piss her off. She can be laughing and happy, helping my sisters and teasing back and forth, then I walk into the room. A black cloud descends on her immediately, contorting her face into a scowl. She goes silent and broody. I am pretty sure I have even seen fangs slightly protruding from her lips at these times. No, I am not describing a Twilight character. This is my reality with our last child. Is it too late to decide against having children?

Yeah, she's smiling because the plane hadn't left the ground yet.

Once we were in the air, it was all fangs, baby!

Then there are my sisters. How in the hell can it go from laughing until we cry to wanting to throat punch each other…all in the same day…sometimes in the same hour? I am sure it has nothing to do with being told I am fat and dress poorly, both of which left me in utter shock. I had no idea I was morbidly obese and dressed like a bag lady with no street fashion. Why didn’t somebody mention these things to me sooner?







This is how I am seen by certain people in my family. One question. What's so wrong with this look? Her hair is done and her girl bits are all covered. Plus, she has obviously done the family shopping for the day. Sounds like a decent woman to me. I'm just saying...



Then there is the talking issue. Every time one of my sisters speaks, I have the urge to put a pillow over her head. Then sit on the pillow. And being the poorly dressed, morbidly obese piece of inhumanity that I now understand I am, I fear the police would have too easy of a time catching me. I mean, how many other morbidly obese, fashionless woman could there possibly be here?This is, after all, California. I stand out like a gangrene thumb amongst all these manicured chicks. I would be caught faster than a catfish in our pond.

Anyway, this entire thing is my fault. God tried to warn me but I wouldn't listen. No seriously. Wednesday as I sat in the airport waiting for my next connection, I saw this.

I live in the Southwest. I am pretty sure it was a warning to turn around and go home.

So I chose to ignore the warning. I boarded the plane and what is the first thing I notice? This sign and there are more of them...everywhere...front, back and middle of the plane.

Clearly, a wiser woman would have understood God was clearly speaking at this point. "GET OUT NOW! BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! RUN YOU IDIOT!!" I am pretty sure that is how God speaks to me. It seems to be the only language I understand. Did I listen? Of course not! No, I would rather continue on knowing full well how this trip is going to go once I set foot on terra firma in California. Then I see this...

and the thought screams through my mind, "This is the number of times you will wish you had stayed home and your sisters will wish they could throat punch you without fear of their skinny little fists getting stuck in one of your neck rolls." Did I listen? Oh, no!! That would have been what a smart woman would have done but I believe I have proven repeatedly through this blog, if I am anything it is not smart.

So, here I am, sitting in a hotel room waiting for one of my sisters to finish her daily two hour bathroom beauty routine while the other sister sits with red hair dye on her head for the next forty-five minutes. Miranda sits with the soon-to-be redhead. I am sitting on the other side of the room typing. Lines have been drawn. Lines have been crossed. It's gonna be a long day...