A Case Of Mistaken Identity

I can hardly believe an entire week has gone by since I wrote my last post. Time flies when you are stressed out to the max. So, what is it that has me so discombobulated? Thanks for asking, I’ll be glad to tell you.

My Sister, Kelly

Kelly is out of ICU and doing just fine. Part of the reason she is doing so well, I suspect, is because they have her so heavily medicated. I call her every night and can’t understand a single word she says. The bad part is, she is in so much pain that she has to be heavily medicated. The good part is, I can’t understand a single word she says. Then there is that other bad part. The part where she is going to kill me for posting her Courtney Love photo. I know I said Cyndi Lauper earlier, but with the drugs and everything, I am thinking, definitely Courtney Love. Anyway, I want to be there with her but I can’t so it is stressful and that is why I must eat Oreos.

The Wedding Plan B

My son’s wedding is in five days and without a dress to wear, I came up with a brilliant Plan B. Ok, here it is…or was…whatever. Anyway, the brides family has never met us. Never. Met. Us. NEVER! This got me to thinking and you know how dangerous that is. It got me thinking about the most beautiful couple in our family. That would be my cousins Jack and Barbara. Oh yeah, they are beautiful and classy and sophisticated and normal. Nothing like Bob and me…AT ALL! We love them very much. They love us too. Or so we thought. Anyway, this is them a hundred years ago.

This is them a hundred years later.

Notice anything? No change! No stinking change!! Still beautiful. Still perfect. That’s when the idea hit me. Jack and Barbara could go as Bob and Marla and NOBODY would be the wiser. Ok, maybe our kids would notice but they wouldn’t care because they love Jack and Barbara and probably wish they were their parents. I’m telling you, sometimes I even amaze myself. So, I mentioned my idea to J and B…and they laughed. Laughed. Right in my face. I was speechless. After all I’ve done for them. Ok, I have never done anything for them, but I have thought about doing nice things for them. Anyway, I am pretty sure they have changed their phone number since I get a fast busy when I call now.

The Wedding Plan C

So, that left me with Plan C…which was to actually go shopping for a dress…with five days left before the wedding…three days left before our plane leaves for California…one day left before I have a complete nervous breakdown. My oldest daughter, Rachel said she would take me and help me pick something out. This is good because I have no fashion sense. My girls say I dress too old. My sisters say I dress too Amish. If you are an old Amish woman, I apologize. There is nothing wrong with the way you dress. Maybe this is why I dress like you. Anyway…

So, Rae and I went shopping. I tried on five million dresses. Most of them had me laughing, some had me crying, all had me doing the boogie woogie in the dressing room trying to get in and out of them as soon as possible. I am just not a girlie girl. I seriously have a physical condition that makes it necessary to dress in shorts, tshirts and flip flops. I can’t remember the name of it…something like slobitis…but I swear it’s a real condition. Would I lie to you?

Well, not thirty minutes before the stores were closing, I ran into the dressing room with ten more dresses and as I was running…yes, running…past a rack, I saw this totally, ridiculously, sexy, girl dress and I grabbed it and said, “Rae, get ready for this one!” I was laughing like the fool that I am when I closed the dressing room door, ripped my clothes off and pulled the sexy, girl dress on. Turning to face the mirror, I actually gasped. When I stepped out of the room, Rae gasped. The lady in the dressing room next to me stepped out because she said she had to see what all the gasping was about, and she gasped. When I brought it home and put it on for Bob, he gasped. Then he wanted to kiss me…and stuff. I look like… like…like a girl. No, you cannot see pictures…yet. I promise to post tons of pictures after the wedding. I will be the one wearing the totally, ridiculously, sexy, girl dress.