Sunday, June 2, 2013

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Hey Kel,

I won’t be writing to you anymore. I know that’s a really shitty way to break up with you but I figured I might as well get right to the point, so there it is. You’re dead and I’m not so it’s over between us. I have thought a lot about this dead sister/barely living sister relationship we have had for the last four months. I thought a lot about it especially in the last two weeks. Some pretty horrible things have brought my attention to our strange relationship. Things like two massive tornados, the last of which I spent four hours running from only to realize I had driven straight into it’s path. There was something about hiding in a Wal Mart bathroom with a bunch of crying strangers that made me realize, I really do want to live. As if the two weeks of twisters wasn’t eye-opening enough, I have been watching from a distance as two people I love and adore have been anticipating the delivery of their beautiful baby girl, knowing they will be preparing her for burial shortly after her birth. How can I go on with this stupid feeling sorry for myself because I have a dead sister thing when so many are suffering through much worse than one dead sister? I can’t. I won’t. I choose not to anymore.

Listen Kel, I will never forget you and I will never stop wishing you were here. I just can’t keep waiting to wake up from this hoping it was all a bad dream. The truth is, this is my new normal. You’re gone and I’m sad and crying more than I want to but you’re not coming back. No matter how much I beg you too. No matter how many promises I make to God. It’s over. As of February 5th, 2013 there was no more us. There is just me now. I have to be okay with that. Maybe not today but someday, soon, I have to be okay with it.

I love you Kelly Jeanne Casas! With everything in me, I love you, and I will never forget you. I will never forget us. I’m making some plans, Kel. Life changing plans. I’m taking your advice, you know, where you told me to stop worrying so much all the time and to just follow my passion. Well, I’m doing it, following my passion. I’m scared and I may fail. But what if I don’t? What if you were right all along and I actually end up living happily ever after? I hope you’re watching and praying for me.

Well, that’s about it. Bye Kel. I love you. Always have. Always will.